Funny Stuff

I'ts starting to look a lot like Christmas/ Hanukkah/ Thanks Giving/ Kwanzaa or whatever other holiday you celebrate... Pops just gave me a call and had this gem for me and so I had to share this as well as a few others with you all before all the stress of the holiday's hit. I hope this give you all at least a little giggle. Thanks Pops you gave me one!

Whats the difference between Santa Clause and a bartender?

A: Santa only has to look at 8 assholes!

Cheers!

Love is...

Many, many people for many, many years have done their very best to define love. According to 1st Corinthians in the King James Bible love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous, love does not brag and is not arrogant. love is without end. Here are a few other quotes and attempts at a definition I have heard or seen in the past...

- Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life.
- Love is a battlefield

- Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.
- First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.
- Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- Doing what you love is the cornerstone of having abundance in your life.
- Absence from those we love is self from self - a deadly banishment.
- Love  is a serious mental disease.
- Love  is a better teacher than duty.

- Love  is the answer, and you know that for sure; Love is a flower, you've got to let it grow.

- Love  makes the world go round.

- If you can't love the one you love then love the one you're with.

- Love  is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

- Love  is the beauty of the soul.

- Love  is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.

- Love  is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
- Love  is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.

- A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

- Love  is a game that two can play and both win.

and the ever popular - Love stinks.

Whatever your favorite quote, analogy or definition maybe love is something that fuels even the coldest heart in the most barren of times. Without love we are just shells of the potential we could be. With love at the risk of plagiarizing we can conquer all.

Here's to those who'd love us

If we only cared;

Here s to those we'd love,

If we only dared.

As you may have already guessed my post today is all about love. Now keep in mind it's only Tuesday and I have already watched the movies The Notebook and Love Actually so my current perspective may be a little bit skewed. I too have been in love. I know what it is to love and lose love. It's sheer elation when you have it and a kick in the junk when it is fleeting.

Do you love me

Or do you not?

You told me once

But I forgot. 

- Irish toast to love

Empires have been built and lost. Countries have gone to war, families established and teenagers have been driven to the breaking point all for this feeling of love. And just as gut wrenching and low it can make you feel. Good love is euphoric and can make even the smallest of men feel a million feet tall. The funny thing is to all this that you really can't go out and find love. It's not available at any store and no matter what the dating sites say it is certainly not available for free on the Internet. Love is a lot like a night stalker. It creeps up on you and steels your heart in the middle of life without warning, caring or explanation.

Love: Knock, knock!

Man: Who's there?

Love: You know who it is. Stop playing and let's get this over with!

Man: Awww CRAP! Go away we don't want any!

Love: Too late we know you've been listening to Micheal Bolton and watching the WE Network. So you might as well just open the door now.

Man: Fuck Off I just really like that girl and sometimes I miss her when I sleep.

Love: Yup, that's it just open that door a crack, hand over your heart, a piece of your soul and what remains of your good credit rating and let love do the rest.

Man: Fine! I just want you to know I'm not that kind of guy and I never do this normally. Just be gentle OK?

Love: (giggling with sarcasm) OK, Sure....

Sort of like a rude Jehovah's Wittiness with a Cupid arrow. It's kind of neat and interesting at first but later it burns your ass like a rough colonoscopy performed by a proctologist that bites his jagged.

As they kick down the door the last thing you remember is someone saying "we will be together forever!"

Here's to Dan Cupid, the little squirt,

He's lost his pants, he's lost his shirt,

He's lost most everything but his aim,

Which shows that love is a losing game.

Speaking of Cupid there is a funny character. The god of affection, desire and erotic desire and son of Venus, goddess of love, beauty, sex and victory. She sounds like she has a full plate not to mention chasing around her pain in the ass kid shooting people with love arrows. I digress...

Here's to love and unity,

Dark corners and opportunity.

My message today if you take anything away from my gruff nature toward the subject at hand is to keep your heart and your mind open. A closed heart is an empty heart. A cold heart is dead and a full heart is always warm. May your heart be warm.

Here's to this water,

Wishing it were wine

Here's to you, my darling,

Wishing you were mine.

Cheers!

The Love Martini

3 Strawberries muddled with 2 limes

1.5 oz - Coconut Vodka

1 oz. - Peach Schnapps

Splash of CranberryJuice

Shake over ice and strain

Garnish with cut strawberries

Rim glass with strawberry sugar

Only the Good Die Young

I was having a conversation today about the vast differences between young and older women. Age aside the differences can be night and day. A guy came to my bar this past weekend and when he got up to my bar there where some beautiful women in the 35+ range. The guy being young himself could not see past the age. This is in some ways like going to buy a car and not being able to see past the sticker. Anyone can buy a KIA but what happens when the new car smell wears off? Now a BMW or a classic car has style and class that will last long into it's later years. Yes I just compared a woman to a car. Not the first time a man has done this and not the last. Yeah Mustang Sally that just happened. 

What this young whipper-snapper was failing to see is all the effort, care and thought that went into these ladies even leaving the house never mind looking like the shiny diamonds that they were. Now don't get it twisted I can appreciate a beautiful young lady just as much as the next 65 year old man that owns a little red corvette. There is no hate in this post. The purpose of this is just to point out the subtle and sometimes not so subtle differences that exist.

For the purpose of this debate allow me to define the two group first starting with the young woman in her "Prime." The age group here is somewhere between 19 to 28 years old. A few more characteristics of this group are: Many drunken escapades, shorter and smaller clothes, nipples that look straight ahead and even sometimes up in some instances, they will do quite a bit just for attention and piercings begin to appear in more than just the ears. Worst of all they are all for cuddling and random make out sessions  ending in zipper burn from dry humping that lasts all night.

Keep in mind there is some grey matter here and I define that as the ages between 28 - 34 years old which I will fondly refer to as "limbo." This is what I like to call the cocoon stage. This is where the caterpillar begins and ends the transformation from young and silly to older and a bit more refined. Tattoos that project strength and convictions start to appear here as well. This is also a time of sexual experimentation and figuring out their limits for liquor consumption. There maybe a marriage and divorce in this time as well. Figuring out what colors truly look best on them and the desire to have more than just having fun. The words "I am never doing this again" will often be uttered. After this the woman comes out the as the woman she will be for the rest of her life.

Now onto the group I will refer to as the "Butterflies." I define this as between the ages of 35 to 55. This is the phase just prior to the "Golden years." Now keep in the mind every woman like a snowflake are a little different so these identifiers are more of the definition and there are always exceptions. This phase brings about sensible shoes in the daytime hours, clothing that brings out the finer points hides the less. Makeup and undergarments that are meant to deceive others in the light and they understand the value of the matching bra and panties. They have less guy barnacles and more girl friends. This is the group that is refer to as "Cougars" when single and seen in the wild. Leopard prints become more prevalent, maybe a scar or two but will always have their hair and nails together even if they only have a $5 bill to their name before going out for a night with the girls. This group cheers on the random hook up while and even validates it among each other.

Now I have met a few of each of these groups in my short life, seen a few of these hook ups take place in my bar and have even compared notes with friends pertaining to their past and present experiences. With all this said here are a few more of my observations starting with the initial meeting...


Prime girls have a pussy that acts like a limitless credit card. Can walk in the bar and the world is their oyster. Not a stitch of makeup, a bandanna for a shirt and faded jeans. Half the stuff she is wearing was picked up off the floor only 10 minutes before going out. Nails looking like she just got done digging up a garden and used the 4th finger on each hand as a mid day snack. finished off with pair of dirty flip flops.

The Butterfly has her outfit for Friday night picked out, cleaned and pressed by Wednesday and shoes to match that would look good on any set of shoulders. A Butterfly doesn't leave the house and draws every shade in her house if any of these pieces are not set for fear of seeing someone she knows.

The Butterfly will narrow the field almost immediately when she enters the bar. Those guys are too old, that one is in way too good of shape and that one just looks broke as a joke. The Prime will walk in with countless options. Just an accident waiting to happen. And don't think for a second Prime girl is free. Oh on the contrary. Prime girl is going to run you at least $40 in drinks. Butterflies try to get you liquored up!

Go to a Butterlies home. She has nice stuff. More than likely her ex-husband paid for most of it but she has real furniture that didn't just come off the corner of someones driveway. Matching sheets, throw pillows a headboard even. Glasswear in the cupboard and real tupperwear.

Prime girls place is just a hot mess... Bed is a matress on the floor and isn't made, all of her dishes are stolen from a local diner and salad bowls say "Cool Whip" on them. Now check the shower and see how much hair is in the drain. Looks like Sasquatch took a bath in there and just left 5 minutes before you got there. Prime girl has no time to clean up. Prime girl has to let the good times roll.

Now take a ride home from that butterfly that is a whole different story. The butterflies car has lollipops stuck to the back seat floor. Cheerios in-between the seats and half a little mermaid sticker on the back window. Young chick has a nice ride that smells like pretty lotion and the stereo thumps so hard it could give you a concussion. Old girls SUV smells like a mixture of stale pantyhose and Cheetos. Young girl loves her ride and even has a name for it. Butterfly says "so what it's just a car and I'm going to get a new one soon anyway." Sticky stuff and reminence of makeup everywhere. Young girls whip could be used in a Gwen Stephanie video at any minute.

A Prime girl will make out with you all night long and then ask to just cuddle after a serious dry humping session leaving you frustrated and her moral code in tact. A Butterfly will go out for a drink or 2 and hopefully meet the guy she wants. If all goes right she has had her orgasm and asleep by no later that 11:30pm. She has shit to do in the morning. Even better than that she will give you simple directions sort of like Google maps to find that special spot just to ensure a good time is had by all.

Now let it get down to business and listen to young girl say "no" "eww" and "I don't do that." There are a lot of things a man will forfiet for perky breasts and being able to show their buddies what kind of talent they can still pull. An older woman on the other hand could make a chair blush from all the things she is willing to do. Even teach you a thing or two you never knew existed or where legal. Better yet you won't be running out for gas station breakfast the next morning. Old girl is getting up and making you a sandwich or cooking breakfast. Tell even the worst of sexual experience he is a tiger in bed and walk you out feeling a million feet tall.

Gentlemen what I am trying to tell you here is all women are beautiful however embrace that beautiful butterfly next time you see her. Tell her you appreciate how she looks and maybe even throw a compliment or two her way. The riper the berry the sweeter the juice I say... unless it's gone sour. In that case ditch the butterfly and find the young brainless chick before last call.  

Cheers!