Santa Clause is Coming to Town



Thank you Santa it's just what I asked for!

Santa as it has been well documented is an interesting fella to say the least. I mean a jolly old fat man employing lots of little slaves to build toys just so once a year he can ride around the world propelled by a team of reindeer pulling a large sleigh. He spans the globe committing a series of breaking and entering felonies all the while leaving behind his well known calling card of toys with his signature on it. With his only form of payment being cookies, milk and the occasional crayon written thank you note. Dismissing the ever present question of just how does he make all his drop offs in less than a 24 hour window and the obvious issues of time travel and physics I feel there is a whole other side of this Christmas coin that has not been explored. I mean who is Santa and how did he come to be the obese 364 day recluse that we all read and hear about today? Turns out the legend that is Old St. Nick is a veritable hodge-podge of different characters dating back to the days before Christ himself.

Ask the crazy Christians and they tell you he is the ageless St. Nicholas of Myra. The Byzantine saint was known for his generous gifts to the poor. Most notable of these gifts was the presentation of dowries to the 3 daughters of a impoverished Christian man so they would not have to grow up to be prostitutes. Sort of like that buddy of yours that you bring to the strip club and he decides to become the young ladies life coach in the middle of the "Cherry Pie" song. Here's some knowledge... if the stripper is damn near 50 she is no longer dancing to pay for college! Now shut up and let Miss Jiggly 2003 finish her lap dance and you can both part ways after the transaction of $40 for her two song verbal contract stipulates.

Germanic lore has us believing in Odin. A gentleman with a striking resemblance to modern day St. Nick. Celebrating the holiday of Yule better Odin was the leader for the "great hunting party through the sky." Yule is celebrated in the same time frame as Christmas. Now this character was known also for riding an eight legged horse that answered to Sliepnir that could leap a great distance. This could be where the 8 reindeer came from (sorry Rudolph.) According to the story children use to place boots filled with sugar cubes, carrots and straw next to the chimney to feed Sliepnir and in return Odin would leave candy or little gifts for their kindness. Does this sound like "Hey little boy the stranger has candy if you just get in the van" to anyone else but me? But wait it gets better. There is a group of companions (elves?) to Odin called the  Krampus. However these little fuckers aren't jolly at all. They are known for running around town in the first two weeks of December at night scaring little kids and adults alike ringing bells and rusty chains.

Now the Dutch believe in "Sinterklaas", or "The Good Saint." This happy old white bearded chap likes to wear a long red cape, carries a long golden Shepard's staff and has "The Book of St. Nicholas" which he writes in throughout the year to tell if each child has been good or bad in preparation of the gift distribution. Sinterklaas is aided by helpers called Zwarte Piet "Black Peter." As I try to try and draw a parallel between the Zwarte, Peter Pan and the Elves.... I am coming up blank but I am sure you too can trace some of the similarities. Any who, this folk legend arrives by steam boat each November from Spain along with his entourage of helpers Sinterklaas carries his little book of naughty or nice and the Black Pete's bear the burden of unloading all his gifts, spicy nuts, (Ha ha ha yeah Black Pete has your spicy nuts right here!) candy and then coal for the naughty list.

Finally I will touch on the Scandinavians, Danes and a few other Norwegian rooted countries believe in "Father Christmas." Right around 1840 a character by the name of Tomte or Nisse began delivering presents in Denmark. Those wild Danes just renamed old Father Christmas and made him their own but at the end of the day it was the same guy. A short, fat, bearded man that dressed in grey clothes and a red hat roamed the streets 13 days prior to Christmas Eve riding a goat. Yup, a goat... Not exactly the great mythical 8 reindeer we have today. Really Father Christmas dates back to 17th century Great Britain. Again a rotund man who dawns a large green and red fur lined robe and passes out Presents to all good boys and girls all the while spreading Christmas cheer. Father Christmas is the closest McCoy to the modern day Santa we know and love today.

So next time you are in the mall be sure to say hi to the old man. He is somewhere around 575 years old and doesn't get out much. But he knows if you have been naughty or nice and someone with that sort of intelligence should be treated with a little caution. Also being the rock star that he is these days the North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) has a website for all those that still believe in him to track his where abouts on Christmas Eve. You can even call a NORAD operator and they will tell you just where he is at that hour on their satellites. Yes, these are the same people we rely on to make sure their is not a giant missile headed toward American soil. check that out at http://www.noradsanta.org Whatever your take is on the jolly old Elf I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a happy holiday to all!

Cheers!

Hot & Not

Alright all the ladies reading this post get out your floor mat and sit Indian style around my chair it's lesson time once again. Now I know I have done posts like this in the past but I feel after this past couple of weeks  at the bar or just out and about and seeing what these ladies are wearing we need to talk about fashion and what men do and do not like. This is all with the backdrop of wanting to look appealing to the opposite sex. Especially with the winter months upon us in the frozen tundra that is New England. Now however all of us men will observe a moment of silence and shed a small tear for the loss of sundress season... 

Now back to the original message. Women's fashion and how it should be according to men. REAL men. First of all I think that all of you must remember that a large number of the guys being asked what looks good to men on women in the fashion industry are in fact gay men. No disrespect to them or their lifestyle but let's think about this. Are they really the guys that should be saying what is hot and what is not? Keep in mind I understand that this is a broad brush stroke and I absolutely give props to the fellas working it out at Victoria's Secret and Fredrick's of Hollywood. But they are definitely the exception and not the rule. I also propose next big NYC Fashion week that there should be a tent set up complete with kegs, flat screens and snacks (beef jerky, nachos etc...) Then let a panel of construction workers, police officers, firemen and military personnel be the ones to have the final say.

I also am of the full understanding that most of the articles I am describing are not the most comfortable to wear. I mean if I had to spend an entire day with a string sized wedgie or big spikes under my heels I would be a bit more cantankerous. So my solution to that issue is simple. Suck it up! fashion is painful. If you want to be comfortable become a plumber, get a spiky haircut and start batting for the other team. Lastly please take this in the proper tongue and cheek with plenty of male chauvinistic pig mixed in with sarcasm. If you can not see your way to the humor in this then it is not meant for you and move along. I have heard there a lot of great blogs out there about cupcakes, beading and home decor you might enjoy.

So let's get into this. I think we can all agree to what is hot. Although for conversation sake allow me to briefly review. Class is now in session.  

Hot - Shoes with 4"+ heel be it shoe, boot or cardboard boxes.

Not - Banged up nails. For the love of Pete please if you are wearing something that shoes off your toes please have those piggies in order. If your toes look like you just walked through the desert and you could take down a charging rhino with your toe nails look at something more prone to wearing socks. 

Not - Dirty flip flops or cork wedge sandals. The only thing cork wedge heels are good for is the ability for us men to tack a note to them saying "please never wear these again. PS - Love you."

Hot - V-neck sweaters that show off just the right amount of cleavage. 

Not - Cable knit turtleneck sweaters. Yes they are warm but you must understand that to us you look like a circumcised penis just after a dip in a cold pool.

Hot- Belly button rings on a tight stomach.

Not - Belly button ring on a doughy middle making you look like there should be a cable attached leading to little people below keeping the zeppelin grounded.

Hot - Boy shorts on a thick booty. Sir Mix-A-Lot had this one 100% correct.

Not - Skinny girl in granny panties. If your choice of underwear has slack in it or looks like the parachute attached to back of a hot rod then it's time to think about the next size down. I don't care what time of the month it is.

Hot - Skirts on a pair of shapely legs. I come from a long line of "leg men." Like my grandfather always use to say. "You know why I like legs so much? Because they lead right up to the ass." Yup he said it.

Not - Homemade dresses. I understand polygamists to an extent. Having that much help around the house and your choice of women on any given night to ride like you have a stable full of horses must be great. But why on earth would you let them dress like they do? I mean if you are making dresses at home in order to save money for the family OK. But why not save money on material as well? Religious beliefs? The God I have come to love wouldn't advocate this mode of attire that is for sure.

Hot - Short shorts with cowboy boots.

Not - Capri Pants. Who's bright idea where these? Seriously! They make your ass look wider, and legs look shorter and only good for keeping your ankle bones cool. Guys, if your lady ever wears Capri pants you are legally allowed to call her Gilligan, "Little Buddy" or Huck Finn till she either paints a fence or takes them off. And for any guy wearing them you must immediately upon being called out move to Vermont with your boyfriend making the journey on the back of his Vesper. Your man card can be returned at the borders of New Hampshire or New York. Capri pants on men are only permissible if you are living in Italy operating a singing gondola or about to run with the bulls in Spain.

Hot - Low rise skinny jeans on a toned body.

Not - tank tops with no bra on anything above a C cup. If your breasts look like the cheeks of a basset hound then it's time get that miracle bra with the lift and separate option.

Hot - The soft demure curves of the female body.

Not - Chicks that can bench press way more than most men. Yes, we are impressed that you can squat 450lbs however we will never let you touch anything in our pants of value to us for fear of crushing or breakage. We will also spend the entire time of an extended conversation with you wondering what you looked like as a dude and trying to find traces of your Adams apple. 

Hot - A great smile and bubbly personality. Don't get me wrong too much bubble is just plain annoying but a a woman that smiles when a picture is taken and laughs for real is worth her weight in gold. 

Not - Duck lips, gangster poses and the ever popular "you ain't shit unless you're buying something for me" look. 

I am sure this list could go on for miles but I will spare you an entire afternoon of reading.  Just a quick side note to the men: Be a man. Take a shower at least once a day weather you need it or not. If you have to ever "shape" your beard ie. the chin-strap, shave that shit and trim any other unnecessary hair. A little man-scaping goes a long way. Only order drinks for yourself that can be done in one word (Jack, Jim, Scotch, Beer) and tip your bartender very well.

Cheers!