All the talk especially in New England states is about the "Polar Vortex." What is this "Polar Vortex" you ask? Simply put it's the media's way of drumming up some fear on slow news days and a better way to say "Holy shit it is fucking cold out there!" So that dirty bitch Mother Nature has decided to rear her ugly head and give all of the northern states blue balls. Thanks a million! Although like most New England folks I to have adopted their stubbornness and retaliated by telling all of my southern friends that I love it here because of the 4 seasons and that I wouldn't have it any other way. So stick that in your ski hat and smoke it! Life has officially handed us all snowballs and I am making snow cones.
With all this said I have learned a thing or two over the years here. In my own style I have made a list to share with all of you the lessons that the harsh New England winters have taught me... Stay warm and enjoy.
+ Each layer of clothing equals 10 seconds of disrobing when you need to pee.
+ "Experts" say not to drink alcoholic beverages in sub-zero weather because your blood is then closer to your skin and it becomes a greater risk of frost-bite and hypothermia. However after a few drinks you start to really not give a rats ass about just how cold you are.
+ All dark haired beauties from the summer months look goth in the winter.
The weather channel lies
+ Just when you think you are going to save money on the electric bill for air conditioning, your 3rd oil bill hits you.
+ Turtleneck sweaters make everyone look like an uncircumcised penis.
+ Every step you take on snow covered ground could be hiding a sheet of ice. One false step and your feet are over your head and your ass is in the air. Buckle up the landing isn't going to be half as fun as the flight.
+ Ladies, feel free to run a razor over your legs even when you are only wearing pants, just for good measure. A weed whacker should never be a fundamental part of your grooming. I speak for all males when I say no matter how light your hair is, it's still there and your legs now went from silky stems to furry tree trucks and we have nightmares about that one hairy lipped aunt that always wanted us as little boys to give her some sugar.
+ No one cares what they look like in a blizzard.
+ Hang onto your car scraper all year. Trust me you are going to need it when you lease expect it. Every damn year I toss out my brush/scraper in April only to be hit with a Nor-Easter just after the good Lord was suppose to rise again. (For all your non Christians that would be Easter.) Now you're left to scrape your windshield with a credit card or license which for anyone who has tried realizes that this is damn near impossible.
+ You wake up in the dark and it's dark again before you leave work.
+ Murphy's law: The moment you get completely bundled up, you will have to go to the bathroom.
+ Go outside and everything in your nose freezes immediately. The rest of the day you get the thawing process.
+ The best way to prevent hypothermia is body heat. We were taught in Army survival school that the best way to do this is to strip and lay naked with a buddy. Now try convincing that pretty girl you just met who said she was cold this is a far better solution than taking your coat.
+ Just because you have a truck with 4-wheel drive this does not mean you have 4-wheel stop! Truck vs Ice = Ice wins every time.
+ Running out of windshield washer fluid when all the dirt and sand is still on the road and your only recourse is to ride the bumper of the car in front of you in hopes he puts up enough wet spray to run your windshield wipers to give you a slightly less dirty field of view all the while praying he doesn't jam in the brakes.
+ The feeling of the air between your clothes and skin freezing when you walk out the door. The trip from your front door to your car can be complete hell if hell at 30 below.
+ Chapped lips: Kissing a someone wearing Carmex is the taste of licking the inside of a rubber glove.
+ You're having a romantic interlude and the clothes start to come off. Shoes, shirts, pants, bra, panties, socks... and then you are in the moment of truth! Ready to rock this fine sweet things little world and then her feet touch you. Holy crap! Did she borrow her feet from a cadaver?! Put your socks back on! Hell have mine and put those on too. Like she made her way to your bed by crossing the polar ice cap barefoot! Good luck getting an erection now. Good luck even finding your cock till spring when it finally comes crawling out and heaven forbid it sees it's shadow!... Oh wait that is a completely different thing. But seriously cold feet suck.
+ No one really knows what a "wintery mix" is. We just know not to leave the house when one is in effect.
Scarf smell - That lovely smell that develops over your nose when snot mixes with fleece/ wool, hot breath and damp conditions.
+ Someone saying they need to get blown or plowed means something completely different than what you might be hoping for.
+ You finally get some nice days and wash the salt off your car, waiting hours in line at the car wash. Next day, blizzard.
+ Trying to put gloves on a toddler is sort of like trying to wrangle a wild turkey.
+ We all pray for a white Christmas. After that the prayers switch to global warming.
+ Wearing a scarf and a backpack is sort of like a really weak midget trying to take you down.
+ No matter how bad you want that jackass in a minivan to go swerving off into a ditch for driving 90 mph up your butt in a snowstorm with zero visibility it never does. It's always the family car doing 30 white knuckling on the highway that gets it.
+ Yellow snow is neither banana or lemon.
+ Seat warmers feel terrific on your lower back. Drawback is a horrible case of swamp ass.
+ No one ever wins in a snowball fight. you are either the guy with wet snow down your back or frost-bitten fingers.
+ Day 1 after snowfall is beautiful. Day 3 after snowfall is depressing. Sort of like a beauty queen that let herself go.
+ Flu shots give you flu like symptoms I realize there is a reason behind it however to me it makes as much sense as wiping before you poop.
+ Driving a car without 4-wheel or all-wheel drive is the equivalent of rollerblading on a muddy path, uphill.
+ Tow truck drivers have a lot of jokes when you are stuck in a ditch.
+ The salt you put on your driveway can not be used for your popcorn.
+ Throwing hot water on your vehicle does not rid you of ice. Instead completely encases your locks and doors. You will not be able to get in till the thawing season.
+ The first 40+ degree day after a string of snow filled, cold days, below 30 degrees is like the first days of spring here. You will see several people in shorts and flip flops. Don't buy into it! This is fools gold and another blizzard is on its way.
I'm sure there is plenty more I could give you here however I have to go shovel my driveway...
Cheers!
Before the days of YouTube there were still plenty of opportunities to fail just it wouldn't be on tape for the world to see. Really it's a guilty pleasure to watch a women tumble down a flight of stairs in high heels, or a kid try to make a jump over a flight of stairs and missing his back tire only to ride the banister with his butt crack. I always get a chuckle seeing a dad pitch to his kid because you always know whats next is a line drive to the twig and berries. Let's not forget the flip turned scorpion, the belly flopping girls in bikinis, ridiculous dancing, and my favorite is the selfie gone terribly wrong fail... So my words of wisdom are pretty simple. You all keep that shit up! Keep the cameras running and when I'm around I pray the lens is pointed in the opposite direction.
