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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Friday, June 6, 2014

You Little...

Anyone that knows me well has probably noticed that I have been spending time with a 2 year old. Before the rumor mill gets started he is not mine. I have 3 kids of my own all of which are now well past the toddler stage. Prior to this little minion entered the picture I was becoming quite comfortable in my bachelor pad. I am in no way "baby-proof" around my house. The gates near stairs, the uncovered outlets and low knife drawer are all proof of this.

Furthermore I forgot just what living with a 2 year old child is all about. For those of you without or with older children and have forgotten these precious years allow me to refresh or otherwise regale you with the joys associated. You see most people who do not have kids or either have never come in contact with or only seen on TV a toddler have no idea. Living with a 2 year old is the equivalent of co-habitating with a belligerent, bipolar, alcoholic, Korean hobo (compare the speech patterns when they finally do speak. "You go to work now!" I swear the other day he said to me "You never buy only read magazine. never buy!") that has sudden bouts of narcolepsy and fits of rage. Forget everything you have ever seen in Pampers commercials. Those scenarios are far few and in between. If you are ever thinking about having one of these little time bombs I implore you to find a friend who has one. Get up before they do which is around 5am (even on weekends when you can normally sleep in.) Then just watch the rest of the day. Then at the height of the day just prior to bedtime for the little monster ask the parents if they ever miss being childless. I assure you the next sentence out of their mouth is complete bullshit! You know why most parents will allow a complete stranger to hold their baby? Because they are looking for a quick escape route! Don't be fooled.

The other day I did just this. You see I had forgotten just how fun it was to deal with these little crap factories. From the moment he woke up there was a plan for destruction. You see I was just about to get a little morning fun time. Just as I woke up poking his mom in the backside with an awkward morning erection, the little cock blocker sprung to life. Sort of like he had a alarm clock in his crib that yelled "BONER ALERT! BONER ALERT!" Now keep in mind it isn't like they just roll over half asleep and see what time it is and where the sun is on the horizon and go back to sleep for a few more hours of shut eye. Nope! The sun pops up and so do they. Looking like they are hungover and cranky from the long night before with a diaper full of mystery just waiting to be cleaned. 

Now that the day has begun it is time to get food. Now thankfully he has moved from the breast to the table but you better give him something he likes or else you will find it on the floor. Then the moment they are done the dishes get flung from their presence. I watch as his mom comes over with the patience of a saint with a cloth and asks "honey, are you all done?" in a baby voice. Sure he can do it but I do it and I'm an asshole.

The next few hours are a course for destruction. I watch yet again and this time he wanders my house picking up random things and then just dropping them on the floor. The remote to the TV, the iPad, magnets from the fridge, pulls a throw blanket from the couch and then goes for my phone. HOLD UP! My phone?! I remind him I have tossed women from my life for going after my phone without permission. I take my phone away from the clutches of the Tasmanian Devil and he throws himself on the floor screaming. His mom comes over and comforts him immediately picking him up to tell him again in a baby voice but loving tone "it's OK that isn't yours though and you can't have it." I stick my tongue out at the little shit while his mom isn't looking. He goes back to exploring every cabinet, counter top and drawer in site. 

Mom tries to clean up the house, however this is as futile as trying to dust in a sandstorm. There is no stopping this kid. Although he has now switched from high gear to a much lower one and there are signs of the monster petering out. Mom's vocabulary is by this time down to a few words; "No", "One-two...", "put that down," "leave the dog alone" and "NO!" I am dying at this point for mom to count all the way to three and watch admiringly as he gets the ass whoopin' he has coming to him for tearing up my tax information, a recent paycheck and throwing a matchbox car at the dogs head. Luckily my dog "Smooch" is a pretty easy going dog and has refrained from tearing the kid limb from limb but after watching him climb up on my pool table and bang the balls into the felt I am almost sorry I didn't opt for a Pitbull/ Rottweiler mix named "Killer." 

Ever Tried h
aving a conversation with one of these inquisative pain in the ass? Here is a sample:
Kid: (While sitting in the back seat of the car of a long ride with nothing to do or nowhere to hide from the line of questioning asks you) Why is it raining?
Adult: Warm air turns the water from rivers, lakes, and oceans into water vapor that rises into the air. That water vapor forms clouds, which contain small drops of water or ice crystals (depending on how high the cloud is and how cold it is).
As clouds rise higher and higher, the air gets colder and colder. When the water vapor in the cloud becomes too heavy, it falls back to the ground as rain or snow.
Kid: What is rain?
Adult: Rain is condensation or water.
Kid: So why does rain fall?
Adult: (A bit agitated) Well I just told you why.
Kid: Yeah, but why?
Adult: (Trying anything to just listen to the radio and make the questions stop) Because Mother Nature is crying.
Kid: Why?
Adult: (Frustrated) Probably because of something you have done! So why don't you just sit there and think about what you did to make her cry.
Kid: Why?
Adult: (Now looking for a telephone pole to crash into and not answering turning up the radio.)
Kid: Why? Why? Why?... 
  Now I am sitting on the couch with his mom and still feeling amorous from the lack of morning activity. I am happy to see him rubbing his eyes. I am thinking nap time is near and I don't need long in my attack of his Mom. One moment he is mid eye rub and looking like lights out time the next he is laughing in my general direction and now dancing! This little shit is toying with me! The moment I start to get close on the couch to his mom he comes over and sits between us. As she says "aww he wants to snuggle." I am left to burring my erection under my waist band for fear of accidentally impaling the child. So close and yet soooo far away! Sometimes you get lucky and they pass out on the floor. If this is ever the case the golden rule is always NEVER wake a sleeping baby! EVER! Just step over him like a homeless guy in the streets of NYC.

When nap time finally arrives I have hope however Mom is in no mood and quickly makes use of the time to replace, repaint, wipe up, and clean all the little messes left by the minion. Then wake up time and the cycle starts all over till it is time for a bath. Which he is definitely not a fan of and bedtime for the night which he resists till the bitter end. By this time Mom is completely worn out and ready to drool all over my couch while I plot how to masturbate without waking her to the soft core porn of Cinemax. 

Now I am not saying that the little cherub doesn't have his moments. Sure he gets lots of cuteness points. You see the manipulative son of a bitch has learned that after he has spilled his cup of milk all over the floor and rolled around on the sofa covered in dinner that if he just giggles and cries like he is scared of what just happened, then usually a female will pick him up and hold him close to her breasts, stroke his head and tell him it's alright and not to cry. I tried this maneuver the other day and the results where nowhere near similar.

Other things a small child can do is get aroused and show everyone in shouting distance. "Look pee-pee big! Pee-pee big!" But your grandfather does it and they send him to a different wing of the hospital where large men with ham hands take care of him till he has settled down.

I am not completely impervious to his powers of cuteness. I am also guilty of holding the bright eyed kid and soothing the savage beast he has going on inside of him. Although the other day after he pushed in all the center bubbles on my speakers in my $200 speaker tower, I watched as he grabbed my headphones and tried to put the jack in the electrical outlet while they where in his ears and I thought for just a moment "do I stop him or do we see what happens next?"  We all have heard about that parent that finally went crazy and either drown her kids in the bath tub, drove them into a lake or left them on a street corner with a "free" sign on their neck. I DO NOT condone this. Let me repeat that last part for child services. I DO NOT condone this. However I definitely understand it a bit more now. I now remember when my little ones where that age and realize why I opted to get a vasectomy.


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