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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Saturday, August 23, 2014

How to Piss off Your Bartender

If you are someone that likes to visit a local watering hole now and again. Here are a few things that might just grind your bar keepers gears and I think we all know by now that a happy bartender is a good one for you!

+ Shred coasters and labels leave the remains everywhere.
We understand you have stress and sexual frustrations in your life. But a lot like a mother tells her child "use your words." Leaving a big pile of shredded napkin, labels or whatever else you can get your hands on makes a nice mess for us to clean up after you. Thanks...

+ Ask "what else do you do for work?"
This is my real job thanks for asking you condescending prick! The national average annual salary for bartenders is approximately $52,000. Now yes a lot of bartenders do have other gigs because they have a bit of time in the daytime and what better to do than make more paper. However $52k/ year is well above the national average ($51,000.) Not to mention along with the sex trades my job is completely recession proof.

+ Order one drink at a time.
I realize I may look as bright as a 2x4 however I can remember up to 10 drinks at any given time. I realize it is a lot more fun to watch me run back and forth while you give me one drink at a time like a dog on a wire. I'll do it once after that I am going to tell you to poll the group and give it to me all at once. Also while we are at it let's knock off the game "stump the bartender." There are a million names for practically the same drink out there. I don't know them all. I have shit to do.

+ .50 cent tip.
Your first drink will be a fair pour. After that your cocktails will start to taste a lot like soda or fruit juice. See how this works? Also please unless I know you don't tell me you will take care of me later. You don't see me coming into your McDonalds and telling you I will get you the next time I come get my McDouble. Pretty simple formula here for tipping: 1 - 3 drinks = $1 to $2, 4 - 7 drinks = $3, 8+ drinks = $5. Capisce?

+Vodka cranberry heavy on the vodka
You don't see me coming around your job slapping the dicks out of your mouth so please don't tell me how to do mine. Unless your ready to pay for a double don't tell me how to pour your drink. I like my job and you shaking your half empty glass of $6 a bottle Senator's Whiskey (bar swill) at me and telling me to top you off unless you're my boss or one of my boys ain't going to happen.

+ This doesn't taste like it has any alcohol in it.
when I give you a drink and you complain you can't taste the alcohol. I get it your an cheap alcoholic and you normally drink crap vodka straight from the tin. Not to mention you've drank so much that the only thing that will wake up your taste buds and register on the alcohol is nothing short of anti-freeze strained through wonder bread. I'm going to give you a standard pour if not a little more every time. If you are in my good graces I might hit you up with a little heavy handed pour. However complain about how I do my job from the jump and you and I are not going to be friends. Hint for you: A friendly bartender is a good bartender. A good bartender gives you the hook up every so often.

+ The Star Crossed Lovers.
I understand you just found your sole-mate when you came to meet your match from the internet dating site. Also I know what it's like to feel like a dog in heat. I too bear the burden of carrying a penis. However there is a time and a place for everything and my bar is not the place to try and procreate through each others jeans. Especially if you are taking up valuable real estate at my bar. If you are sucking face you're not drinking and if you are not drinking I don't want you sitting at my bar! Also no one wants to get your collateral damage all over themselves so you are more than likely getting a 2 seat buffer. Even less people sitting at my bar. Get a room! Yeah yeah we know you're not that kind of girl but let's face it you are tonight! If you are rounding second base while sitting at the bar your wrong. No argument here. And it's OK that you are going to get to the great divide. I mean hell I am probably rooting for you and might even try to help you. But come on! Ain't nobody trying to see all that! And if you're rude to me, bet your ass I'm telling her you gave the last 3 girls Chlamydia the second you go to the men's room.

+ The snapper.
Dude! Seriously! Snap at me and I might just come over and poke you right in the eye! I'm going to get to you as fast as I can. Now if you want me to notice you faster hit me with a $20 at the beginning of the night. I'll tell you for the rest of the night come to a certain part of the bar and I will give you priority. Starting to see how this relationship works yet? Tip me and I will tip you. While we are at it if you are in such a hurry to get your drinks that you have to ask out-loud "who do you have to blow to get a drink around here?" The answer is "Me!" Every single time it's me! Now weather I allow you to blow me is another topic all together. Real easy lesson here... Don't be a dick!

his reminds me of a guy that came into my bar while I was bartending at a luxury hotel in Maine. He came and got his first drink and said he just wanted something strong. (Already this sends up a red flag that you are going to be a problem child and clearly drinking to get drunk.) I made him a hurricane and he barely tipped me. then the next time he starts snapping at me and says he wants 2 at a time. I'm the only guy on and he is being a little obnoxious so I tell him to pump his brakes and instead he responds with a brush off. So from this point on he gets juice and lots of it! Sure he got 8 different kinds of juice all mixed to look like a Hurricane. However in the end that is all he gets. As I tip over the liquor bottles to look like I'm pouring a heavy cocktail my thumb is over the pour spout every time. I keep telling him that he should probably slow down and by now I have shown everyone in the bar all that he is getting is juice. Even better he is acting completely hammered and paying full price for every drink as though it is a high end cocktail. Every time he sucks down a drink he starts snapping at me and leaving me a meager tip. I'm ringing him for 2 juices (about $5) and he is paying $20 for each double I suedo-pour. So now he is the laughing stock of the bar and every time he snaps his fingers at me he winds up giving me a $15 tip. I think after all was said and done he left me a $150 tip for the night. Thanks Jackass!

+ Don't we get free shots? It's our birthday!
You're not 12 and this isn't Applebee's. When was the last time you went anywhere else and asked for free shit? Try that at the bank, see what happens. Even better yes, I love it when you show me your tits! THANK YOU! You have brightened my day! However I have seen more tits than you can imagine and no I am not going to give you free drinks all night because you are wearing a lovely shade of whore this evening. Guys, don't even think about it!

+ It's OK I know the owner.
I know the owner too and trust me when I say it's NOT OK. Furthermore I am not going to break the rules for that. I like my job and I stand to make a whole lot more in the long run than just one good tip from you. So until my owner/ manager tells me it's OK I don't give a solid poop who you know.

+ Do you think you make a better margarita than me?
Nope! You have perfected your drinks to your own taste buds. This isn't a contest especially when the only judge is you! A bit bias don't you think? Even the Russian judge calls shenanigans on that move. If I could go out and get all my own fresh ingredients just to make one very special drink for you, God love ya I would. However I work in a bar where there are just a few more paying customers than yourself. Now, if you would like to share your recipe with me I will gladly compare notes with you. However when was the last time you went to your Doctor and asked him if he thinks he can diagnose you better than you? The message here is I don't come to your place of business grinding my ass on your stage and dancing on your pole. So please do me the same courtesy. I'm a professional at what I do, so please leave it to me to be one for you.

+ I know I said there would just be 10... My fruit tray is NOT a buffet!
Stop being cheap and get a damn appetizer. I spent a good bit of time preparing for my shift by cutting all sorts of fruit and you come along with your grubby paws and start woofing down my oranges, cherries and olives.

+ Can't you do any tricks?
I'm a bartender not a juggler. If you want to see jugglers go to the circus or Vegas, they are pretty much the same thing only they check ID's in Vegas. Sometimes. Furthermore how is me flipping (breaking) a bottle going to equate to me being a great bartender. Please tell me I "need to up my game" because the guy down the street can flip bottles. I will make you a very tasty cocktail and maybe even add some snappy repartee. However I'm not a monkey with symbols. I really want to see what your lawyer says when you ask him why he doesn't dance on his desk while giving legal advice? If he does, start roughing up your hands and get in the gym because your ass is going to jail.

+ So are you a Mixologist?
If your bartender answers yes to this get the fuck out of that bar. Seriously! You are either in a hipster bar or this clown takes themselves WAY to seriously. Either way this bar sucks! You can bet if the bartender takes themselves so seriously the patrons are going to mirror that 10 fold! That the equivalent of a gas station attendant calling himself a Fuel Transfer Technician or a High School Janitor calling herself a Higher Education Sanitary Control Engineer. Personally I'm a Booze Jockey. (Keep an eye out for launching soon!) Let's keep it simple.

Alright there are a few things to keep in mind next time you hit the local hooch palace. This should make your bartender/ patron relationship a smooth one. Now sit down and order a drink!



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