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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Friday, August 29, 2014

Thoughts for the Week

This week has been a busy one. Especially with Labor day coming up and the bars around Vacationland (Maine) packed to the gills. The funny part is that I do a lot of my thinking while in the shower. More specifically I get my funniest thoughts while lathering old hank and the twins.

*Mental picture for you as I stand there in the warm water still half asleep in the morning on my 8th pass with the soap around the twig and berries when a funny thought crosses my mind and there I am just giggling at the ridiculousness of my own thoughts.
Good luck getting that image out of your head... Sorry!

I digress... With all thes thoughts and the only place to write them is the in the steam on the shower walls. I am left to remember them and release them into the wild here to all of you. So let the brain dumping begin!
+ Do not ask silly questions if you are not ready to hear the answer. I am reminded of a story from when I was married. We were laying in bed and just like couples do they sometimes ask those silly questions (Example: If I die will you ever re-marry? Answer: Noooo, I would never make that mistake again.) So we are just laying there in the darkness and she asks me, If I was 400lbs. would you still love me? Answer: Of course I would... From a distance! She hit me. I wonder why that marriage didn't workout???!!

+ Everyone looks great in Black and White pictures. Yellow teeth are suddenly bright white and wrinkles are non-existant. B&W pictures take 10 years off your image.

 + Everytime someone dies there are a few automatic responses we are trained to say:
* "They are in a better place now." - What if they were an asshole? I am pretty certain upon hearing about my death there will be a few people at least who will say "Oh thank goodness. That son of a bitch had it coming to him!"

* "I'm sorry." - Why did you do it? Where you the Devils pickle that created cancer? If so I really don't think a simple "sorry is going to cut it here. We all might be looking for something a bit more heart felt. For some reason this response reminds me of the scene from the movie Animal House where John Balushi smashes a guys guitar because he hated the music and hands it back a mangled mess with a simple "sorry" and shoulder shrug. 

* If it is someone over the age of 80 "They had a good run." My Pop always says "What if you are the guy in the room that is older than the dead guy?!" Hey hey hey my run isn't over yet!

+ No one ever calls a funeral home in a cheerful voice. One time I was working on a marketing campaigne for the Funeral Directors Association of America. What a fun group of guys this must be. Part of this project was to call all the local Funeral Directors and get them to advertise thier home around the campaigne. I was having a great day. The sun was out, the birds where singing, I was already into my second cup of french vanilla latte. Hell I even got sex that morning! I was for all intensive puposes a happy camper. The minute someone answered the phone at the funeral home I was calling my voice instantly got sullen. I so badly wanted to suck in some hellium and giggle while talking but I just couldn't do it.

+ The other day I read the directions on how to prepare a "Hot Pocket" in the microwave. As if anyone would wait around for the gourmet pocket of lava to be baked. One of the instructions were to "place in the crisping sleeve and place on a paper plate." Translation: You dumb redneck your flatwear consists of paper plates, red solo cups and used Cool Whip containers and those were given to you on your wedding day as a gift to outfit your sweet trailor park home along with a pack of 3 strap t-shirts. 

+ I love my Dog because he loves me back. If I leave the house for 2 minutes to run the trash out to the corner he is frantic like he hasn't seen me in months. When I had a cat he could care less if I left him alone for 80 days as long as he had food and water. My cat was an asshole. He reminds me of my guy friends. I bet if my cat had a marker and I fell asleep drunk he would dram all over my face and laugh at me in the morning. My Dog remds me of some of my past girlfriends. If my dog had a cell phone it would be blowing up everytime I left the house. 

+ I use to think the worst job in the world was the guy that shovels elephant shit at the circus. Then I went and saw a big name comedian and the warm up act came out. Everyone cheered till they figured out he wasn't the guy they wanted to see. Then when he was getting ready to introduce the main act and leave the crowd went crazy. I wonder if that happens everywhere he goes. Sort of like Jesus's brother. Everytime they went anywhere together people would see the family resemblance from a distance and then someone would yell "hey everyone I think Jesus is here!" The crowd would go nuts. then someone else would see it's just his brother Craig and collectively the crowd would groan with dissapointment. 


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