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Looking for a Bartender for your next function? E-Mail or Call Me! (207) 432-5056

Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Gay Pride

I work as a Bartender in Ogunquit, Maine. Known for being a very liberal community nestled in Southern Maine. This beachfront town resides in an otherwise Republican state. Sometimes even referred to as "Provincetown North" for it's large Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender (GLBT) population. Ogunquit tends to be where the older queens settle down. The reason I bring this up is that over the years of working and visiting beautiful Ogunquit Beach. I have gained an interesting perspective into the gay community, and let me say first of all the following comes from a good place. I have several friends now in the GLBT Community and I think you are all fabulous. Being a bartender in this town I am asked all the time if I think Gay marriage should be legal and my answer is "ABSOLUTELY!!!" If you love someone and want to spend the rest of your God given days with them I say it is well within your right to be as miserable as the straight married people. Taking it one step further I think all people have a right to what makes them happy so long as it isn't hurting anyone else. I served in the United States Military and feel the "Don't ask don't tell" policy is completely ridiculous. If I am in a foxhole with someone while bullets are flying overhead I would want someone next to me that thinks I am cute enough to keep safe! Being true to ones self is a act of courage and should not be denounced by anyone. So with that said...

I think gay guys have the right idea! I got to thinking about it one day while in the shower of all places. As I have admitted in the past the shower is sort of a thinking place for me. Now please don't let that last couple sentences distract you and follow me here for a moment if you will. I am purely speaking about gay men here for the moment when I say this. I mean two dudes living together, even I have done that back in college. No silly arguments just because they are cranky due to not understanding cramps and mood swings during shark week. The duel income of two men would be sweet seeing as men typically make more than women for doing the same job even in this day and age. No uterus = no little pie holes to fill when it comes to kids. There is no having to do the whole romantic dinner and candle light and bring her out and hope to get her drunk enough because, well we're dudes. There are so many benefits and still I just can't do it. I mean just the thought of kissing another guy kills it for me.

I hate to say this about the gay guys but there is no way I could be intimate with a dude and that's sad because there are many of them that are prettier than women. Hell you even wear expensive cologne and spend an eternity at the gym. I could be a lesbian in a snap! Hell most of the women in Maine dress like butch lesbians anyway. Every summer a very high number of the women up here need a bag catcher for their Epilady to recover from the winter growth in order to wear a bathing suit and not be mistaken for a Yeti. I'm convinced that transsexuals are the only ones that actually dress like men want women to dress like anymore, in expensive lingerie in high heels. If it weren't for Burt Reynolds chest hair, 5 o'clock shadow and Billy and the Boys hanging low they might just be able to pull it off. Men in general are hairy and gross where as women are soft and smooth and smell nice all the time. Even when they sweat it smells a million times better than guy friends couch. I was talking to a new gay friend of mine Darren the other night and he told me it hurts to take a dick in the ass every time! Every single time it hurts like it's the first time and he should know. He also
said that you just have to relax your muscles (I swear I have told this to more than one woman.) There I was in the shower again this time cleaning my nooks and crannies and I can't even get a soapy pinky past the forbidden exit. I can't even imagine an entire penis. If I ever were to go gay I would definitely have to be the man in the relationship. However aside from the sexual aspect you guys really do have this whole thing licked!

Ever see a poor gay couple? Nope! They both have matching German vehicles, expensive watches and great fashion sense. I am convinced they are the only ones that have enough money and confidence to shop at Banana Republic. For those of you who have never been in to one trust me it is not for the feint of heart. Every one of their sales people make Abercrombie and Fitch employees look like they should be the janitor at a 7-11. You will never see a straight married man in a Banana Republic. Not because he doesn't want to, mind you. Their clothing is wonderful and their fabric makes you feel like royalty. The reasons are they can't afford it and second they have no possible comeback to the way the sales person calls them a fatty without actually saying it. The judgment
happens so fast and there is no other response than to hang your head in shame of your pear shape figure. The sales people don't even walk on the floor, they merely float over to you on a cloud of condescension passed on to them by their parents disdain for the fact that they will never have grandchildren except for the little Chinese girl tote around after they saved her from being thrown over a cliff by her parents that wanted a strong boy and now call their own or their two Labra-doodles they treat just like their own children.

Hell you even have a parade. Did you know that the least celebrated race on this planet is the straight white male! If you where ever to have a parade for my demographic you can almost bet there would
be a riot and the KKK would want to join in. There is the Puerto Rican Day Parade, There are women's rallies, black history month and countless other demographics being celebrated. The only one not celebrated is my people.

Now don't get me wrong I am actually happy you have a parade but seriously does it have to be right down Main Street in every major city in America? Just because you can take a dick shouldn't have to mean I have to go 8 blocks out of my way while you fuck up traffic. Seriously gas is almost $4 / gallon and I have shit to do on a Saturday. Also while I am on the subject why did you have to adopt the rainbow of all things as your symbol. I remember when I was a little kid I use to draw a house with a nice sunshine, green grass and flowers and a nice big rainbow. Now it's no longer innocent and 5 year olds everywhere are being gender qualified before they even
get out of the 3rd grade. How about we trade you for a Technicolor Unicorn it will even have a phallic shaped horn that is ribbed for your pleasure... No? OK it was worth a shot. 

I realize that none of this was politically correct nor was it meant to be. It is just one man's opinion. However unfortunately straight that opinion maybe.


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