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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Just Do It!

Yesterday was Wednesday better known as "Hump Day." The significance of course being he middle or "hump" in the traditional 5 day work week. However to myself and other like minded friends the word "hump" brings out a similar response to the word "duty." Sophomoric chuckles for all in ear shot. For those of you that live under a rock I submit below the definition of the word "hump."

Webster's Dictionary
Hump: Slang: Vulgar. 1. an act or instance of coitus. (sexual intercourse)

Urban Dictionary (I like this one far better)
Hump: (verb) for a man or woman to sit on his/her back and move up and down, hard and fast
Girl: If I sit down here will you hump me?
Boy: Yeah!
The girl lays on the table on the guy gets on top of her and stabs his penis into the girl's vagina and her moves up and down on her hard and fast. "OOH! AAH!" She moans, "Faster! Faster!"

I'm sure you get the picture by now on the double entendre at hand. So my point of view was that everyone should get to "hump" on this apply named day. That's right I say just because it's Wednesday it's time to get those heels to the sky ladies! Yes I know real ground breaking stuff here. However I look at it this way, a group of scientists graduate from Harvard or Yale every year. Some spend their life finding cures for cancer or the common cold. Others go on to create a better boner pill.

Anywho... This entire MENSA meeting came to a screeching halt when a friend of mine mentioned she wouldn't be breaking off her significant other and father to her children a little something, something because in her words "it was complicated." In other words there is a rift in the household and she had her panties in a twist guaranteed over something stupid he did. This situation plays itself out all over the world and more times than we all care to admit. So here is my message I gave to her and I am now going to drop this pearl of wisdom to all of you. Feel free to get out your pen and paper now you might want to write this one down.

Nothing ever gets accomplished by doing nothing. No one is ever satisfied and although sex is not the only thing it is a HUGE thing! Alright allow me to break this down. The divorce rate in America is right around 50%. That means half of everyone that swears before

God and family that they will Love, honor and cherish is sickness and in health. For rich or for poor till death do they part, is full of shit! Next time you go to a wedding take it worth a grain of salt. There is a high probability that the people standing before you are completely lying to you! Just think about it this way. The whole ceremony starts off with a lie when the bride walks down the isle in a white gown to signify virginity. When we all know damn well those two met while dry humping on a dance floor and went somewhere that same night and had drunken sweaty awkward sex. Even my own second marriage was a complete sham when my wife to be came out 8 months pregnant in a white dress. SERIOUSLY! This doesn't mean there is an absence of love just the simple fact is that 50% of those couples aren't doing what it takes to live up to those vows. Fights are going to happen, anger will come and go but what is being done in the interim to make certain that the animosity doesn't grow? Here now is the solution to this growing problem...

FUCK!!! Yup it's that simple! Have sex, knock boots, have a roll in the hey, make whoopee, do the nasty, the horizontal hokie-pokie, bang, screw, have gland to gland combat, batter dip the corn dog, take the skin boat to tuna town... Whatever you want to call it for Christ sake if you are in a relationship and want to keep being in that relationship HAVE SEX!!! Not just on Wednesday but every chance you can! Keep it fun, exciting and fresh. Ladies toss on the lacy mu-mu and take that boy to pound town. Guys, trim the hedges, take a damn shower and spritz on some foo-foo juice. Why aren't you fucking yet?!

Next time you are angry, pissed off, frustrated or whatever else in your relationship is keeping from having a smile on your faces call a time out. Just step away from it and go fuck! Try being angry when you just had a mind blowing orgasm. Sort of the same way you can't stay mad when on a trampoline. Not sure this would ever work? Ask your grandparents. You know the ones that came from families of 5, 10 or even more. Their parents stayed together for 70 years. Why? They fucked a lot! Take a look at the Latino population. Mom and Dad don't always see eye to eye when it comes to all those kids but you can bet Momma is singing "Ay Papi!" Then order is restored. Momma walks with a limp and Papi goes and takes a nap and all the anger is gone. Now just fix the problem.

Make no mistake better than most life isn't all farting roses and pooping rainbows. There will be tough times and for those times I say get real dirty! I'm talking the sort of bang session where you can't ever look each other in the eye for the rest of the day. Spitting, talking dirty, rooting around making animal noises, good God who is this nasty ho, sort of sex!

Just the other day I was in a department store and I overheard a little girl in the shoe department ask her mother while looking at some sky high heels "Mommy do you wear high heels?" The brutal honesty of the answer was the saddest thing my ears have ever heard and so telling too. "I use to but not anymore." Bet you dollars to doughnuts her underwear was cotton with holes in it too. She wasn't a bad looking woman either, but she had a couple of kids and obviously has gotten comfortable. As she walked around in her big comfortable clogs all I could think is what does the husband look like? I turned to see the husband, also a good looking guy but a look of "I live in hell" all over his face. She isn't trying anymore physically and he isn't in it mentally. Imagine the look if she picked up some lingerie and fuck me pumps while in that store and he looked at her and told her just how insanely beautiful she was and then the just fucked! I can tell you that they would both be sporting different looks on their faces.

Sit down and with a list of all the things you both like make a sex calendar. Here are a few ideas:

Monday - A.M. - Morning wake up sex! Poke her in the back with that... yeah they love that!) Guess who's up?!!

P.M.- Surprise her with flowers and tell her your name is now Juan Carlos the Latin lover. (Use a Spanish accent) then bam! Missionary pinned to the wall, lift her skirt and have at it.

Tuesday - Quickie between work and dinner. A whole day of work with no end to the week in sight makes me a horny bugger.

Wednesday - HUMP DAY!!! Afternoon delight! Rush home or even better find a quiet spot and do it in the car during your lunch break.

Thursday - Slow and steady. Make this one last because the weekend is coming and it will fly by.

Friday - Tell the kids to get in the car and you will be right out. When they are all outside have a quickie in the bathroom.

Saturday - Break out the kinky stuff. Call each other by someone else's name on purpose and see how long you can hang on. Take a try at her booty. Tell him you always wanted a 3-some with his best friend while he ties you up to the ceiling fan. Buy and remote control vibrator and go food shopping in the afternoon! Make this a undercover freak day. Be wild and do it like it's your first time.

SundayFor God sake take a break. Break open a bottle of wine and cuddle on the couch while you rub her butt. Even the good Lord above according to the Bible rested on the 7th day. Besides you don't want chaffing there is a whole new week headed your way.

Did you know that Islam has forbidden sexual intercourse during menstruation? The Qur’an says: “They ask you about menstruation. Say: Menstruation is a discomfort (for women). Do not establish sexual relations with them during the menses and do not approach them (sexually) until the blood stops. Then when they have cleansed themselves, you go into them as Allah has commanded you.” (Surah al-Baqarah, 2:222)
Now watch the news and see how many of them are pissed off and blowing themselves up... On the other hand here in America, Comedian Ron White says "Just cause the roller coaster is broke doesn't mean they shut down the whole amusement park! If they did people would still be looking over the fence saying "Hey the log ride is still working just fine!"

So that is my message to all of you. Stop holding out, drop all the anger for just a little bit everyday because no one will be satisfied. Fuck and all will be OK! Now what are you waiting for? Go FUCK!!

Here are a few more euphemisms for having sex. Enjoy!
belly to belly
bouncing the pogo stick
bump and grind
bump fuzzies
bump uglies
bury the bone
bury the one-eyed worm
bush patrol
butter the muffin
check the oil
churn butter
clam dip
clean the carpet
dance in the sheets
do the deed
dip the wick
dip your pen in the ink
do it
do the dirty
exchange bodily fluid
feed the kitty
fill the cream donut
fit her clap flap
fix her plumbing
flop the hay
four legged frolic
frolic in the cornfield
funky chicken, the
get a home run
get busy
get into one’s pants
get it on
get laid
get rocks off
get your nuts cracked
give her a high hard one
give her a pat
glaze the donut
go fishing
hanky panky
hide the hot dog
hit it
hobble the horsey
hop upon the wild pony
horizontal hustle
horizontal mambo
hot beef injection
hot dog in a jungle
the old in and out
juice someone
jump one’s bones
knock boots
knock mops
lay piping
lie feet up
lust and thrust
make babies
make it
make love
make some friction
mattress dance
mattress mambo
mingle limbs
mommy-daddy dance
naked dance
watch the submarine races
park the Plymouth into the garage of love
parting the pink sea
party for two
pass the gravy
piece of ass
plant your seed
play doctor
play on the hair court
play pickle me/ tickle me
plug and play
plug the hole
poke in the whiskers
pop the cork
probe the membrane
put sour cream on the taco
put the snake in the cave
ride the baloney pony
ride the hobby horse
ride the wild bull
roll in the hay
ring her bell
rumple the foreskin
scratch your itch
service the clam
sink it in
sink the sub
skin the cat
slap bellies
slime the banana
smash pissers
sow wild oats
spank the cat
spear the bearded clam
stab the trout
storm the trenches
stuff the beaver
stuff the taco
sweep the chimney
take “old one-eye” to the optomotrist
the hole smash
thread the needle
throw a log on the fire
tickle her belly from the inside
two-person pushups
vulcanize the whoopee stick
walk the dog
wet the wick
do the wild thing

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