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For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Friday, November 14, 2014

Little Life Lessons

On November 9th, 1973 around 11:30pm in a very snowy Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania I was delivered into this world to Hannah and Lawrence Nedzbala. The poor bastards had no idea what they where in for in the years to come. They where just happy as can be farting sunshine, pissing rainbows and pooping lollipops.  All was good in the world to my new mother and father.

I grew up having a good life. My parents are AMAZING individuals and as a team they somehow gave both myself and my sister a pretty charmed life. Ask them today how they did it and I am quite certain they will say with a chuckle and much self deprecation "how did we do what?" Then with all the humility in this world tell you they just got lucky. But luck had nothing to do with it. As I am still learning as a single father today. There was a lot of hard work persistence, understanding, patience, picking of battles and most of all love.

Well here I am 41 years later and I have come to learn a few things about this world. Some of it useful. Some of it not so useful and other stuff down right useless. However you never know what advise will help whom. So I hope upon hope some of this helps some one and if nothing else gives you a good giggle.

+ If you drive a BMW/ Mercedes or any other luxury car and
still live with your parents, you need to check your priorities. As punishment for purchasing a luxury automobile and not a home your parents should be allowed to give you an atomic wedgie every morning before you skip your happy ass into work. Starting the day you sign for said automobile until the day you move out or into the car.

+ If you don't have a "Happy Dance" make one up and stick with it. Sure add a nuance every so often but for the most stick to a few basic steps. You're happy not James Brown.

+ Guys, take off your socks during sex for anything longer than a pants around your ankles quickie. In that case leave your shoes on as well for traction. Just be careful when you pull out to stick the dismount. Tripping over your pants while doing the "No TP" walk is going to leave a bad impression and a nasty bruise to the twig and berries if your to slow breaking your fall.

+ Wear gym clothes to the gym. Wearing a collared shirt in the weight room just makes everyone worry and want to spot you when you lift anything over 6 pounds.

+ Learn how to lose with dignity. Chances are you're going to lose a lot more than you win. Also learn how to celebrate even the small victories.

+ I once took a class on how to play the ukulele because I was told it was a easy jump to the guitar and I know women dig a man the can play the ax. Do not follow my lead on his one. Skip right to learning the guitar. The ukulele is just the retarded cousin to the guitar. If you tell a woman you can play the guitar she might give you her panties. If you tell a woman you can play the ukulele she might give you a helmet. Also don't ever try to refer to your ukulele as a "ax" or even a "hatchet." The only guys that should ever be allowed to play a ukulele are 300 lb. Samoan's or guys that can pull off a silly hat. To summarize with a football reference. Guitar = Tom Brady, ukulele = Eli Manning. Even though Eli has won more on the field which one is sleeping with Gisele Bundchen?

 + If your a woman and you are proud of the fact that you have a tongue ring you probably suck to much dick. Men if you have a tongue ring you also probably suck too much dick.

+ Have a firm and direct hand shake. You can't imagine in life how many people judge you for your handshake. If your sitting make sure you stand up to do it. If you have a "dead fish" handshake lock that limp wrist up swishy.

+ Don't bother trying to make your own porn tape unless you have a dedicated camera person. Otherwise it goes from being erotica to a downhill comedy pretty quick. Bad camera angles, no acting, low lighting and errant gas passing are not what a good adult film make.

+ Stop taking yourself so seriously. No one else does.

+ If you are over the age of 10 "tighty whitey's" are no longer cute. I say go with a nice fitting and breathable boxer briefs. Like my Pop always says "they should be like a fine hotel and have plenty of ball room." Also if your drawers have more skid marks than a get away car there is no saving them just spend the $15 for a pack of 2.

+ If you are having trouble getting eye contact with people during a conversation either your fly is down, you are showing way too much cleavage or you have something in your teeth. We are all human and we are classically trained when there are blue lights on the highway to stare that direction. Whatever the case is, just excuse yourself and hit the restroom before someone puts that on YouTube.

+ Black shoes, black socks and black belt. Brown shoes, brown socks, brown belt. White shoes other than sneakers there is just no excuse for.

+ Sure being right feels good on a gut level. However where are you going to sleep that night? Keep that in the back of your mind when you see blood in the water during your next argument with that significant other. Sure you might be right but the couch is cold and doesn't have a vagina.

+ Never be ashamed to cry. I mean make sure you hide that shit and never let your friends see you do it but never be ashamed. Addendum for times it is OK for people to see you cry: Your team wins the Super Bowl, Mother, Father, child, close family or drinking buddy dies, Your son makes the major leagues, your daughter gets married to a rich family and anytime you watch the movie Rudy. Yeah that little shit was off-sides but come on!

+ Don't trust your cell phones texting. I have never wanted to "Duck the sit" out of anyone at 2am.

+ Who ever said "walk softly and carry a big stick" was talking about his cock and he was hung like a donkey. Even if you aren't, walk like you do. If you ever find yourself the urge to measure your manhood, just think of it like a 5 star French restaurant. If you have to ask the price you can't afford it. If you must measure it, then you need to go back and learn how to work it better because it isn't big enough.

+ Good sex is a lot like eating Chinese food. It isn't over till you both get your cookies.

+ Never be the last one left at the party. Be like a good fart. You burst on the scene and make a lasting impression and then just drift away before anyone really notices.

+ If your date can tie a cherry stem with her tongue let her have no more than 2 more drinks. Lest she forget and leave you to tie it with your own hands.

+ No matter how old your children get you NEVER stop being a parent.


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