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Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Monday, June 30, 2014

Big Mac Attack

So here I am single again... Ladies please one at a time! I am only one man. Oh wait no one? Really?! Damn! This change in social status usually means a varying combination of a few things for me:

1. My body pillow starts to see use again. (I'm a cuddler.)
2. Watching the movie "Love Actually" and think about where my love life all went wrong.
3. My chocolate intake goes up.
4. Gym time goes up to counter the elevated chocolate intake but never enough to completely negate the excess of chocolate.
5. Shaving becomes less of a priority.
6. Leaving the seat up in the bathrooms.
7. Re-establishing "naked Tuesday's" around the house.
8. Outward resentment of all my married or happily in relationship friends.
9. I tend to write a lot more due to no one else around to listen to my dumbass thoughts... Sorry to all my readers in advance. 
10. Chronic masturbation! Like a 13 year old boy that just figured out there are other uses for his penis! I love me some me!
With all that in place especially #10, there are a few different types of people that I just don't trust. Anyone who says they do not have or watch TV unless they are homeless. People that say they never shop at WalMart. Those that claim to have never been to McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King or just vegans in general. The worst of this group are guys who swear they never masturbate! Like I am the only person in this country with a love for low priced home goods, watching "2 and a Half Men" and "Big Bang Theory" while eating a double cheeseburger and rubbing one out! I am calling Bullshit on the whole lot of them!

These guys are the same ones that say they have never stood before a mirror naked, tucked their unit between their legs and squished their chest together to see what they looked like as a woman. We all did it after watching the movie "Silence of the Lambs" and ended up saying "I'd fuck me!" I'm sorry to say this ladies but we are ALL guilty! For just this reason I will never walk in front of a full length mirror naked again.

So like Crosby, Stills and Nash sang "If you can't love the one you love, love the one you're with!" Did you know that in certain parts of the world and even here in the United states it is illegal to do the 5 knuckle shuffle? Dade County Florida, I am talking to you. In these times where teen pregnancy is at a all time high I think it is high time to reverse such laws and preach the word that it is just fine to flog the dolphin. Here are a few of the penalties and laws for self pleasure from around the world:

Indonesia: Decapitation
United Kingdom: 14 days in prison if done in public. Although the UK recently joined the Netherlands and other European nations to teach teens to masturbate at least daily.
Saudi Arabia: 3 years in prison and 300 lashes.
Alabama: In 2009 the Supreme Court outlawed sales of all devices used for stimulation of human genitalia. Oddly OK to sleep with your 1st cousin however. Sweet home indeed...
North Carolina: Class 3 Misdemeanor carrying as much as 5 years in prison.
Texas: 2 years in the slammer. This is the same state trying to create an express line for death penalty inmates.

We have all heard the perils of doing it too much... I use to have a buddy in the Army that would tell me if you do it too much you will go blind. To which I would tell him "hey I'm over here."

Those crazy Christians during the 1st Century AD proclaimed the act to be a "mortal sin" and you where damned for all eternity including your soul. It isn't till fairly recent that they have loosened up a bit to change their stance only slightly to discouraging anyone to do it.

Now back to my original point here... The other day I was thinking about the act itself and due to my extreme case of ADD I couldn't help but to think about the correlation between two of my favorite evils. Please hang with me here for a moment while I explain.

One of my guilty pleasures in this world is none other than a McDouble with cheese, no pickles and light ketchup and mustard. Me and that clown from McDonald's have a long standing relationship. Sort of a don't ask don't tell deal. But here I am today out and proud to say I like McDonald's. I know it stands for everything that is wrong with todays obesity issues in the United States but damn-it I am among the billions served. Yes I have seen parts of the movie "Super Size Me" but some love you just can't explain and so long as I am not hurting anyone else, I am going to keep on doing it. Just try and stop me!

Euphemisms for masturbation:
A date with Palmela Handerson, Acting out the grapes of wrath, Beat the beaver, Beating the bishop, Bop the bologna, Choking the chicken, Clean the bean, Clicking the mouse, Dating Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters, Diddle my skittle, Donald trump firing his apprentice, Fire off some knuckle-children, Five knuckle shuffle, Flickin’ the kitten, Flicking the bean, Flog the dolphin, Getting trigger happy, Going fishing with the man in the boat, Going to the palm prom, Greasin’ the gash, Hand to gland combat, Having a knee trembler, Smacking the slit, Holding your sausage hostage, Jerkin the Gerkin, Jilling off, Lubing the tube, Making my girl happy, Making stomach pancakes, One handed baseball, Painting the ceiling, Pet the poodle, Petting the kitty, Playing naked air guitar, Pocket pool, Playing tug of war with the cyclops, Polishing the pearl, Pumping the keg, and the list goes on... 

Well the other day I took my weekly stroll of shame through the golden arches drive-through. I usually roll up to the squawk box in dark sunglasses and mumble my order hoping that neither the person at the first or second window with either broken dreams or pubescent pimply skin looks directly at me. God forbid they ever recognized me in public. I figure it is sort of like a stoner seeing their pot dealer in the mall. You just walk right by like you have never met. I then grab my food, throw money at the cashier and tear off like a bat out of hell. But this day was different. this day there was a bigger offer on the table. $1 Big Macs! I don't know what it is but every so often I get a Big Mac attack. The song immediately starts playing in my head. "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun..." Suddenly da, da, dat, da, daaaaa... I'm lovin' it!

This got me thinking about how much eating a Big Mac is like masturbation. There you are just hankering for it. You can't stop thinking about it and you just got to have it. Yeah it's a guilty pleasure and it's an ugly need but there is no need to overthink it. Excitement is in the air and things start happening setting the personal stage for a personal playground. You get yourself all set up and get nice and cozy. Even undo your pants in anticipation. Your all alone and no one is watching so feel free to be as jubilant about what's to come as
you wish. You have your napkins all set and away you go.

Just like eating McDonald's when I was a kid I could eat it all day and not feel a thing but now after a Quarter Pounder I need a nap and possibly a shower. Before you know it's all over and all you're left with is a pile of dirty napkins and shame as you sit there covered in special sauce... Till the next time in a few short hours! 

And now I'm an outlaw in Alabama...

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