A few days ago I was behind the bar as I usually can be found. A guy comes up with a couple of ladies beside him. He's a young cat and obviously trying to impress the women so he steps to me like he's got this. Seeing this I give him respect. I know what he is up against and weather he is trying to seal the deal on a 3-some or win over the friend of the girl he is really trying to handle I want to help the young buck get it done.
So I step over to him and show him love immediately with a quick handshake and eye contact that says "my man I got your back here." So he starts his order and already I can see he is sweating it. Like a 4 way intersection missing on Google maps he's got no direction. He wants to order for the ladies but without a clue what they want/ like and even worse not sure what he wants either. As you know if you have read a few of my posts there is nothing worse than a dude that doesn't know how to drink like a man, but I am willing to let it slide because my man has some stress upon him that he wouldn't normally be sweating. So I try taking a bit of the stress away and allow him the time to fumble for his wallet and ask the ladies what they like and what they don't like. I'll make them something special and make my new buddy a hero. And we all know that the hero gets the dame or dames... in the end.
A couple of fruity rum concoctions for the ladies and he now has his order and he goes for the Grateful Dead. First of all my friend you're not laying in a hammock. Second getting lit up on a drink sporting a combination of 5 liquors is not going to keep you strong for future end of the evening games. Finally you are going to be now seen holding a great big bright purple cocktail. My man it is time to get your cocktail game together. So I check him real quick and tell him we don't serve those. However we do have some great beers on tap and I make a few real nice whiskey cocktails just be sure to only have a couple because again I am trying to be his wingman here and keep my new friend ready for action. Also a little known fact that the smell of whiskey is a mild aphrodisiac. Something about the sweet mixed with smoky flavor on fresh breath can loosen a few screws I am told.
Grateful Dead
In a pint glass filled with ice
.05 oz. - Vodka
.05 oz. - Gin
.05 oz. - Rum
.05 oz. - Triple Sec
Fill the glass with Sour mix
Top with Chambord (Raspberry liqueur)
Jerry Garcia liked "Long Island Iced Tea" but was not a fan of tequila and liked raspberry.
Add a second top of Blue Caruso to make a "Tie Die"
Now this is where my boy needs to look like a boss. I helped you out with getting the ladies to giggle a bit and even made them both a little something special that will hopefully let down their force-fields a bit and with every sip make this dude look like Prince Charming. So long as he doesn't talk too much and smiles a lot he might just find himself swimming in a bed full of naked by the end of the night. For that I am wishing him well. Now all he has is one job and I will give him a over the top "thank you that is very generous" line and show him some love in front of his Y chromosome friends. The total is $13.50.
Dude plops down $14 and tells me to keep the change... Wrong answer! You were just so close to the promise land dude. But now I have to expose you. You have forced my hand and it is not going to be pretty. Now I understand being a Baller on a budget. Same reason I will never "make it rain in da club." There will never be a time when I am carrying that many singles and unless there is a credit card swipe under the strippers G-string I can't use my ATM card. Besides that I don't think you are a true professional unless you can perform while little silver Thomas Jefferson's (nickels) are bouncing off your chin. That is called making it hail! However you give me a solid personalized naked giggly dance and you can bet I am going to reach for a $5 or a $10 spot for your time and effort.
So this mother fucker is going to hit me off with a .50 tip and think he's going to strut out. Naa Playa sorry but this evening just got cloudy and you're about to get pissed on. So here is the conversation:
Me: Alright the total is $13.50.
Dude: (pulls out $14) Keep the change.
Me: (shocked at first and now a case of the red ass and very loud so the whole bar can hear me) Oh my God in Heaven! A whole .50 cent tip! Holy shit! I am a 3rd world country millionaire now! Oh my Lord it is the day I have always dreamed of!
Dude: (no words just stands there and takes it while the 2 girls start laughing.)
Me: My man, Thank you so much for your generosity. I mean I saw you had a few dollar bills in that pocket right there but those must be going to feed the starving children right?!!
Dude: (clearly embarrassed.)
Me: I can finally live all my hopes and dreams. My children will be able to eat from the food I provide since you have bestowed this bounty upon me!
Dude: uhhhhhmmm....
Girls: (to the dude) You only gave him .50 cents? Are you serious?!
Dude: I didn't know, I forgot...
Girls: (looking completely disgusted) We're sorry! (They start reaching for their purses to tip for him.)
Me: No, no, no ladies! Here I was hoping today would be my lucky day and some wealthy businessman would come into my life like that man did for Julia Roberts in Pretty woman. But I never thought in a million years that it would actually happen to me! .50 whole cents! That is 50 pennies! God bless you sir!
Dude: (Pulls out his wallet and just starts apologizing while ripping off singles.) I'm soooo sorry.
Me: Thank you and have a great night! (big smile)
Rude? Yup! Over the top? Maybe. Funny? You bet your ass!!!
Cheers!
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