New Affiliate: T-Shirt Hell

 

 

I am pleased to announce that I have a new affiliation with T-Shirt Hell. I hope you all go and check them out. I will give you all fair warning this company sells t-shirts and they don't care about much else. If you are among the squeamish or easily offended this page is not for you. However if you are a little twisted, dark and can laugh at most anything then please proceed and buy a t-shirt or two!

 

 

 

Cheers!

Isn't that Ironic

I was in the car listening to the radio when Alanis Morissette came on yammering about "Isn't that ironic." This reminded me of a recent date I had where she kept saying "well that's ironic" when really she had no idea what the word ironic means and all I could do to keep myself from driving into a telephone pole in hopes of the passenger side airbag failing to deploy, was to try and explain to this walking set of lumps and dimples. I failed... miserably.

No Alanis! Half of what you in that song isn't ironic at all. Don't know the words to the song? Here they are:

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day

 It's a black fly in your Chardonnay

 It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
 
  It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well isn't this nice..."
And isn't it ironic... don't you think

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

Alright so what is irony then you may ask?

i·ron·ic (adjective) 1. using or characterized by irony. 2. happening in the opposite way to what is expected, and typically causing wry amusement because of this.

 

Still a little confused? Here are a few of my own examples to use as guidelines:

 

The family that loses their daughter because while trying to cross the street near their house a car speeding down the same street doesn't see her and runs her over. Now because we are the reactive society that we are the town puts up speed bumps and with every thud, thud of the tires going over those speed bumps it's a chilling reminder of not only how she died but also how she was a selfish pain in the ass when she lived because even now in the afterlife she is fucking up their alignment... No, that's morbid.

OK well it is like that guy that came up with the rape whistle and put them into mass production and he made a fortune. However now that everyone has them the rape numbers have gone down and he isn't making the money he use to in order to buy a new pump for his Jacuzzi and have parties at his house where he passes out roofalyn laced gummy bears and had a good old time. So now he is secretly and ironically hoping for the rape numbers to go back up so he can launch his next big idea... No that's just tragic.

OK I've got it now. It's like the guy that owns a fire sprinkler head company (true story I actually know a guy) and never bothers to get the proper insurance or service the sprinklers in his own business and then one day he has a fire and burns the entire store front to the ground. No that's just sad and a little funny.

Alright how about the pharmacy that sells tobacco or the cardio thoracic surgeon that smokes between telling patients that smoking is bad for you. Or the 5th dentist that thinks chewing sugar filled bubble gum is good for your teeth. Nope all of those are either greedy or plain dumb.

Well then maybe I don't know what irony is either... How ironic. Don't you think?

Cheers!

Just Do It!

Yesterday was Wednesday better known as "Hump Day." The significance of course being he middle or "hump" in the traditional 5 day work week. However to myself and other like minded friends the word "hump" brings out a similar response to the word "duty." Sophomoric chuckles for all in ear shot. For those of you that live under a rock I submit below the definition of the word "hump."

Webster's Dictionary

Hump: Slang: Vulgar. 1. an act or instance of coitus. (sexual intercourse)

Urban Dictionary (I like this one far better)

Hump: (verb) for a man or woman to sit on his/her back and move up and down, hard and fast

Girl: If I sit down here will you hump me?
Boy: Yeah!
The girl lays on the table on the guy gets on top of her and stabs his penis into the girl's vagina and her moves up and down on her hard and fast. "OOH! AAH!" She moans, "Faster! Faster!"

I'm sure you get the picture by now on the double entendre at hand. So my point of view was that everyone should get to "hump" on this apply named day. That's right I say just because it's Wednesday it's time to get those heels to the sky ladies! Yes I know real ground breaking stuff here. However I look at it this way, a group of scientists graduate from Harvard or Yale every year. Some spend their life finding cures for cancer or the common cold. Others go on to create a better boner pill.

Anywho... This entire MENSA meeting came to a screeching halt when a friend of mine mentioned she wouldn't be breaking off her significant other and father to her children a little something, something because in her words "it was complicated." In other words there is a rift in the household and she had her panties in a twist guaranteed over something stupid he did. This situation plays itself out all over the world and more times than we all care to admit. So here is my message I gave to her and I am now going to drop this pearl of wisdom to all of you. Feel free to get out your pen and paper now you might want to write this one down.

Nothing ever gets accomplished by doing nothing. No one is ever satisfied and although sex is not the only thing it is a HUGE thing! Alright allow me to break this down. The divorce rate in America is right around 50%. That means half of everyone that swears before

God and family that they will Love, honor and cherish is sickness and in health. For rich or for poor till death do they part, is full of shit! Next time you go to a wedding take it worth a grain of salt. There is a high probability that the people standing before you are completely lying to you! Just think about it this way. The whole ceremony starts off with a lie when the bride walks down the isle in a white gown to signify virginity. When we all know damn well those two met while dry humping on a dance floor and went somewhere that same night and had drunken sweaty awkward sex. Even my own second marriage was a complete sham when my wife to be came out 8 months pregnant in a white dress. SERIOUSLY! This doesn't mean there is an absence of love just the simple fact is that 50% of those couples aren't doing what it takes to live up to those vows. Fights are going to happen, anger will come and go but what is being done in the interim to make certain that the animosity doesn't grow? Here now is the solution to this growing problem...

FUCK!!! Yup it's that simple! Have sex, knock boots, have a roll in the hey, make whoopee, do the nasty, the horizontal hokie-pokie, bang, screw, have gland to gland combat, batter dip the corn dog, take the skin boat to tuna town... Whatever you want to call it for Christ sake if you are in a relationship and want to keep being in that relationship HAVE SEX!!! Not just on Wednesday but every chance you can! Keep it fun, exciting and fresh. Ladies toss on the lacy mu-mu and take that boy to pound town. Guys, trim the hedges, take a damn shower and spritz on some foo-foo juice. Why aren't you fucking yet?!

Next time you are angry, pissed off, frustrated or whatever else in your relationship is keeping from having a smile on your faces call a time out. Just step away from it and go fuck! Try being angry when you just had a mind blowing orgasm. Sort of the same way you can't stay mad when on a trampoline. Not sure this would ever work? Ask your grandparents. You know the ones that came from families of 5, 10 or even more. Their parents stayed together for 70 years. Why? They fucked a lot! Take a look at the Latino population. Mom and Dad don't always see eye to eye when it comes to all those kids but you can bet Momma is singing "Ay Papi!" Then order is restored. Momma walks with a limp and Papi goes and takes a nap and all the anger is gone. Now just fix the problem.

Make no mistake better than most life isn't all farting roses and pooping rainbows. There will be tough times and for those times I say get real dirty! I'm talking the sort of bang session where you can't ever look each other in the eye for the rest of the day. Spitting, talking dirty, rooting around making animal noises, good God who is this nasty ho, sort of sex!

Just the other day I was in a department store and I overheard a little girl in the shoe department ask her mother while looking at some sky high heels "Mommy do you wear high heels?" The brutal honesty of the answer was the saddest thing my ears have ever heard and so telling too. "I use to but not anymore." Bet you dollars to doughnuts her underwear was cotton with holes in it too. She wasn't a bad looking woman either, but she had a couple of kids and obviously has gotten comfortable. As she walked around in her big comfortable clogs all I could think is what does the husband look like? I turned to see the husband, also a good looking guy but a look of "I live in hell" all over his face. She isn't trying anymore physically and he isn't in it mentally. Imagine the look if she picked up some lingerie and fuck me pumps while in that store and he looked at her and told her just how insanely beautiful she was and then the just fucked! I can tell you that they would both be sporting different looks on their faces.

Sit down and with a list of all the things you both like make a sex calendar. Here are a few ideas:

Monday - A.M. - Morning wake up sex! Poke her in the back with that... yeah they love that!) Guess who's up?!!

P.M.- Surprise her with flowers and tell her your name is now Juan Carlos the Latin lover. (Use a Spanish accent) then bam! Missionary pinned to the wall, lift her skirt and have at it.

Tuesday - Quickie between work and dinner. A whole day of work with no end to the week in sight makes me a horny bugger.

Wednesday - HUMP DAY!!! Afternoon delight! Rush home or even better find a quiet spot and do it in the car during your lunch break.

Thursday - Slow and steady. Make this one last because the weekend is coming and it will fly by.

Friday - Tell the kids to get in the car and you will be right out. When they are all outside have a quickie in the bathroom.

Saturday - Break out the kinky stuff. Call each other by someone else's name on purpose and see how long you can hang on. Take a try at her booty. Tell him you always wanted a 3-some with his best friend while he ties you up to the ceiling fan. Buy and remote control vibrator and go food shopping in the afternoon! Make this a undercover freak day. Be wild and do it like it's your first time.

Sunday - For God sake take a break. Break open a bottle of wine and cuddle on the couch while you rub her butt. Even the good Lord above according to the Bible rested on the 7th day. Besides you don't want chaffing there is a whole new week headed your way.

Did you know that Islam has forbidden sexual intercourse during menstruation? The Qur’an says: “They ask you about menstruation. Say: Menstruation is a discomfort (for women). Do not establish sexual relations with them during the menses and do not approach them (sexually) until the blood stops. Then when they have cleansed themselves, you go into them as Allah has commanded you.” (Surah al-Baqarah, 2:222)
Now watch the news and see how many of them are pissed off and blowing themselves up... On the other hand here in America, Comedian Ron White says "Just cause the roller coaster is broke doesn't mean they shut down the whole amusement park! If they did people would still be looking over the fence saying "Hey the log ride is still working just fine!"

So that is my message to all of you. Stop holding out, drop all the anger for just a little bit everyday because no one will be satisfied. Fuck and all will be OK! Now what are you waiting for? Go FUCK!!

Cheers!

 

Here are a few more euphemisms for having sex. Enjoy!

 

belly to belly

boff
boink

bouncing the pogo stick

bump and grind

bump fuzzies
bump uglies
bury the bone

bury the one-eyed worm

bush patrol

butter the muffin

check the oil

churn butter

clam dip

clean the carpet

dance in the sheets

do the deed

dip the wick

dip your pen in the ink

do it

do the dirty

exchange bodily fluid

feed the kitty

fill the cream donut

fit her clap flap

fix her plumbing

flop the hay

fornicate

four legged frolic

frolic in the cornfield

fuck

funky chicken, the

get a home run

get busy

get into one’s pants

get it on

get laid

get rocks off

get your nuts cracked

give her a high hard one

give her a pat

glaze the donut

go fishing

hanky panky

hide the hot dog

hit it

hobble the horsey

hop upon the wild pony

horizontal hustle

horizontal mambo

hot beef injection

hot dog in a jungle

hump

the old in and out

juice someone

jump one’s bones

knock boots

knock mops

lay piping

lie feet up

lust and thrust

make babies

make it

make love

make some friction

mattress dance

mattress mambo

mingle limbs

mommy-daddy dance

mount

nail

naked dance

nookie

watch the submarine races

park the Plymouth into the garage of love

parting the pink sea

party for two

pass the gravy

piece of ass

plant your seed

play doctor

play on the hair court

play pickle me/ tickle me

plug and play

plug the hole

poke in the whiskers

pop the cork

pork

pound

probe

probe the membrane

put sour cream on the taco

put the snake in the cave

ram

ride

ride the baloney pony

ride the hobby horse

ride the wild bull

roll in the hay

ring her bell

rumple the foreskin

score

scratch your itch

service the clam

sexercise

shag

sink it in

sink the sub

skin the cat

slap bellies

slime the banana

smash pissers

sow wild oats

spank the cat

spear the bearded clam

stab the trout

storm the trenches

stuff the beaver

stuff the taco

sweep the chimney

take “old one-eye” to the optomotrist

the hole smash

thread the needle

throw a log on the fire

tickle her belly from the inside

two-person pushups

vulcanize the whoopee stick

walk the dog

wet the wick

do the wild thing

Before it's too Late

There are people in our life that come and go. Some are meant to be here for the just a short stay and others the long haul. There will be those that will enrich your life just as there will be a fair share of detractors. Our lives are filled with people we meet everyday and it is our personal decision weather to invest our time and energy into that relationship or not. Then there are a special few that take it upon themselves to make that choice for us. Those personalities we surround ourselves with shape who we are and effect our daily lives. We are all products of our environment and the company we keep to some extent.

Two weeks ago we lost a good man and I lost a friend that was meant to be one for life. He was also among those that never gave me the opportunity to decide weather he was going to be a friend or not. He just always was. His name was Charles Benjamin Dellea commonly and lovingly called "Charlie - Ben" by many friends and family. He along with his Fiancé Jennifer Butler are the type of people that would give you their left arm and ask if you where certain you didn't need their right one as well and that they could do without it. Charles and Jenn where people you are fortunate to surround yourself with if given the opportunity. They didn't have much however whatever they did have was always open to be given away to anyone less fortunate. It was this personality that made his infectious smile all that more loveable because it was always real. In the short time I  knew Charlie-Ben I absorbed a great deal of who he was and took special note of the way he treated those around him. After his sudden death, Jennifer and I spoke about how much his personality was like a puppy. He just wanted to be loved. I swear to this day Jenn had to roll up a newspaper and swat him on the nose for some reason or another. Charlie-Ben always came back with that big old smile. He had this uncanny ability to forgive anyone in a moments notice and just move on as though nothing ever happened. He would curse someone out under his breath for crossing him and then laugh about the issue while recounting it with that same person not even an hour later. Charlie-Ben was just 34 years old when he lost his life while doing something he loved (white water rafting) with the woman that was his rock and he loved so much. Even while experiencing the early warning signs of his impending heart attack he was jovial about the trip. He ignored all the signs just trying to stretch his chest out while trying to get Jennifer pumped up about taking on a challenging river. He was bouncing around nudging her with that big old smile of his saying "are you ready? Ready Jenny?!" Jenn I can only imagine returned his barbs with a roll of her eyes and deep laugh.

His passing got me thinking as most deaths will about not only the fragility of life but also the quality and way it was lived. How will I be remembered? I have always said I want my family and those close to me to be able to say "He kept every promise he ever made." I think that is a great way to be remembered. I also don't want people to be so sad for my passing when that day comes as I want what Charlie-Ben wanted, for people to celebrate and remember his life like he did with a smile. I hope everyone has some great belly laughs at my expense! Remember me how I lived not how I will die. My only real hope is that my final words on this earth aren't "oh shit!" At his memorial service we were all encouraged to talk and share stories about him. I loved this idea! I also LOVE a good story or two as you have seen here. However wouldn't you like to hear what people would say about you or others prior to their death. Wouldn't it be great if we didn't wait till it was too late to tell that story or fond memory?

It is just that idea that I am going to ask you all to do with me. Allow me to explain. I don't know about you but I use Facebook quite a bit. If you are like me, then you don't know everyone in your friends list the same way. Many of you I am thankful to call acquaintances and I am looking forward to getting to know you all just a little bit however you are either friends of friends, people I have met from behind the bar or have come to follow me after seeing this website and for that I thank you. My point being unfortunately for me I don't have a story to tell about you all. Although someone undoubtedly does. There is also a special spot in Facebook to place all the people who you do know better than others in the "Close Friends section."

Unless you live under a rock then you probably saw the "ALS Ice Bucket Challenge." This was a amazing campaign that raised a ton of awareness and money for the deadly disease. In each video of the challenge we had to challenge up to 5 others calling them out on the social media site to do the same or donate to the cause. We saw everyone from friends and family to the likes of Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, and even the founder of Facebook Mark Zuckerburg along with many other big names take part.  Well I am not asking you to donate money however I am asking you to donate time, not long but just a stitch to share a story and raise awareness about another human being. Besides who doesn't love a good story, right?

+++ So here is how this will work. Every couple of days pick someone in no certain order that you know well enough to tell a story about. Make sure the story is one that you could tell before family and friends. The point here is not to embarrass or belittle. The entire point is to tell a good story about this person that everyone might want to hear. It can be just about anything how you met, something funny that happened or something you did together. If you can think about being at this persons funeral (I know a little morbid) and saying "I wish he/she where here to hear me tell this story" then that's your winner. Now sit down with your video camera and tell the story. Try to keep the story to 2 minutes at the max. Upload the story to Facebook and tag the person in the story. Once you have done that, then place that person in your "close friends" section.

I hope you all have a great time regaling us with your stories. I can't wait to hear all the good ones out there. Let's all celebrate the lives we have come to know and touch and tell our stories before it's too late.

Cheers!