Father of the Year

Many of you already know I am a father to 3 great kids. No, I'm not going to be one of those Dads that completely over-sell it and say "my kids are amazing" as though everything they do is a miracle. Your baby has gas that is not them laughing and understanding grown up humor at the ripe age of 3 months! However I love my kids equally with all my heart. I never realized how full life could be till I had them. I love every moment of being around them. But let's face it sometimes kids do stupid shit and as a parent I think it is our duty to point it out instead of kissing the boo-boo you have to first point and laugh a bit. It keeps them humble.

I commonly tell the story about my 9 year old son Kalvyn and his extremely high test scores. That when I first saw his test scores I thought right away how all the other Dads out there can "suck it" because my kid will be getting a full ride to Yale or Harvard some day with scores like those and seeing as he is very big for his age! I figured any day now the Ivy league schools will be knocking on my door to have my kid join their football or basketball team! I mean my ex-wife's family is littered with Doctors and other college degrees from reputable schools as far as the eye can see. That's my boy! Only to watch that same boy only moments later dancing around the kitchen to Taylor Swift, farting so hard he lost consciousness for a moment then walk into the wall stubbing his baby toe and then tripping over the dog. Never mind it looks like I will be getting student loans for community college after-all. Why did he have to get any of my genes?!

Back to what I was originally saying. I have great kids. I feel that they have great manors, they know right from wrong and I genuinely trust them to make solid choices. They are honest, compassionate, funny in their own ways and extremely kind. I am VERY proud to be the father to Zolyia (15), Madelyne (14) and Kalvyn (9). I aspired to be the type of father to my kids as my father was to me. I make no bones about the fact that I am fortunate to have one outstanding role model when it comes to fathers. I feel to this point so far I have done a fine job raising my kids. As a father that is all you can really ask for as they grow up.

So a couple of months ago my oldest daughter asked me to take her to a comedy show. The comedian was Bo Burnham. Madelyne asked if she could come along too. My thought is that it would be a lot of fun to spend some time just me and the ladies. So I bought tickets for the 3 of us. Kal is a bit to young to understand that comedy and I didn't think it would be appropriate and he even agreed. For those of you that are unfamiliar with his work I will add a clip of his work here. He is a very articulate comedian and satirical singer/ song writer. I knew he used a bad word now and again but both of my daughters are now in high school and so I am pretty certain they where going to be OK and could handle it just fine.

The night started off with a quick dinner and then off to Portland for the show. We were all pretty excited when we drove past Bo's tour bus and saw him walking into the theater. My daughters where excited to see this comedian they not only enjoyed for his body of work but also thought was very cute. I was happy to be able to give them this night out they so deserved and have this time with them and treat them like the young ladies they are now. Besides I'm not one of those uptight fathers in a turtle-neck sweater. I'm a cool Dad. I'm wearing up to date jeans and nothing with an elastic waist  band and a baggy Michael Jordan t-shirt, I am "Dad cool." I want to be the kind of Dad my kids are proud to brag about and tell their friends how cool their father is. So if that means my girls want to go to a Bo Burnham show then by-golly we are going to that show!


I should have done a little more homework and maybe watched a YouTube video or two of Bo. I have heard him a couple of times on XM Radio but never paid too much attention. I just thought he was funny. I should have known something was up when Madelyne asked me the night before at the dinner table if I really listened to his act. When I said "no" she started to giggle and just said "ok!" I should have seen the red flag when we got into the venue and the first thing I saw was a guy selling little bottles of Jagermeister shots and Red Bull to make Jagger-Bombs in the lobby. Using hindsight I should have thought twice when I looked around inside and the crowd was 90% college students double fisting Bud Lights. And I really should have rethought my decision when I sat between my proper and innocent young ladies and they said "Remember Dad we are in high school and we have been through health class..." The look in Madelyne's eyes alone told me that what was to come was at times going to be equally in comfort as a colonoscopy without anesthesia. But really what's few curse words going to hurt? Like I said they are in high school and I know they have heard them all already. It's show time and the lights turn down. The warm up act is up first. This is when Madelyne turns to me and says with a smile, "remember Dad, health class."

Now I have been there with these two little cherubs since conception. I remember bringing both of them home from the hospital and driving 3 miles per hour in a 40mph zone and thinking how everyone was driving WAY too fast and being far to reckless around my newborn daughter. I remember many weekend days napping with Zolyia sleeping soundly on my chest after finishing a full bottle. I remember Maddy's first tooth. Every Easter I hid eggs all over the yard, brought them door to door every Halloween and carried them most of the way home when their little legs got tired or their feet hurt. I taught them both how to ride a bike, throw a ball and was the coach on their basketball team. I have been to countless school concerts all the way from pre-school up to the current time and haven't missed a one, just to get choked up as I sat their thinking how quickly they where growing up. I marvel at how unique all of my kids are and how special in their own way they are as well. I am not just a guy that has kids and sees them once a month only to take pictures with them so I can post them on Facebook and all my friends can comment on how great a father I am. No, I am involved in their lives. The highs and the lows. I have been there every step of the way. I am proud to say I am a real Father to my children and I have watched these two girls grow into the young ladies I have today. However as a Dad it's only natural to always see your girls as the innocent small girls that I could carry effortlessly in one arm up 3 flights of stairs while carrying all the groceries in the other. It has been my job as the man of the house to protect that innocence for the past 15 years and somehow thwart any attempt take that away from them. They looked to Mom to be the loving caring nurturer and to me to be the pillar of security.

Now keep in mind none of this is the fault of the comedians that took the stage. I am not one of those parents looking for someone else to blame. This falls squarely on my shoulders. There have been times when I have even joked about being "parent of the year" when I have allowed my kids to stay up too late on a school night or given them candy before bed or even dropped the F-bomb by accident in front of my kids. That all paled in comparison to what was afoot. The comedian started his 20 minute set by talking about a B movie on Netflix about a werewolf that transforms and they show this in great detail and many angles as his transformation starts from his male genitalia. He moved into a bit about when he wears new sweatpants without underwear he gets fuzzies in his pee-hole. Then when he asked a female friend about it how she said that when she wears some clothes she has to "scoop fuzzies out of her "stink-ditch" (vagina.)" He used the term "stink ditch" for something I taught the girls to call a "Hoo-Ha" for as long as they realized they had one! Finally closing his time on stage with how if someone is choking we should no longer do the Heimlich maneuver but instead stick fingers up their ass because that is a lot more jarring and incentive to dislodge whatever it is in their throat in order to get the fingers out of their asshole faster! My daughters not only laughed at all the jokes but they understood it all too!!!


Now it was time for the headliner of the evening Bo Burnham. The debauchery persisted and even got worse. At one point he sang about how if you are single you should lower your standards and get oral sex on a regular basis or something like that. My Zoey, my little "Zo-Zo Bug" who use to sit in her car seat singing "Bah Bah Black Sheep" and how the "Wheels on the bus go round and round" was now singing right along with Bo! I felt like I should have home schooled my kids and as soon as we wake up tomorrow I am going to start looking into organized religion and a good Bible study camp to send them to during the summer. She knew every word! I watched my 15 year old daughter sing the word "cock!" She has a chorus concert coming up and I'm hoping she doesn't get confused!

What kind of Father am I? I'm starting to think child services will be at my door when I get home or at the very least NBC and Chris Hansen will waiting for me. What have I done? Don't laugh at that, it's dirty! Very very dirty!!! 

The show ends and I now must crawl out from under my balcony chair. What sort of irreparable damage have I done to these children's delicate innocence. How will I explain this all to them in the car on the ride home? Are they going to just lose all the manors we worked so hard to instill in them as parents and exclaim "could someone pass the fucking potatoes?" at Thanksgiving dinner in front of family and friends?! I am a horrible father! Bad Dad! Bad! Bad! Bad!

Along the ride home we talked about the show and they thanked me for bringing them. They both had a fun time. My sweet little Madelyne had a headache and I thought how could she not after processing all that filth! The one I called "Peanut" or "Maddy Doodles" after a silly song that was made up about her mornings riding in her car seat to day care when she was just a baby. She probably had a headache from having her brain raped and I did nothing to stop the carnage. I wanted to apologize to them for it all but by now I was thinking "eh the damage has been done." I looked in the back seat and saw her fast asleep and I was instantly reminded of the delicate little girl that use to fit with her head in the palm of my hand and her feet barely reaching my elbow as I fed her a bottle. As she slept and Zoey still smiling and laughing about how she can't wait to tell everyone the next day in school about how cool her Dad was to bring her to the show and how funny it was. I couldn't help but think how beautiful and innocent they both where and maybe I can knock them both over the head in their sleep "by accident" and make them return to that time before health class. But also how lucky I am to be their Father.

We got home and I kissed them both goodnight as I tucked them into bed. Father of the year! Not so much, but I am still a pretty good Dad. I have a mug to prove it!

 

Cheers!

Thoughts from the Road

For the past few weeks I have been on a special assignment in Houlton, Maine. Before you ask I will tell you a bit about the "county seat" of Aroostook County. Houlton as of 2010 had a population of slightly over 6,000. The town sits a mile from the New Brunswick, Canadian border and being the county seat it's nickname is thus "Shire Town." The Houlton High School mascot is "The Shiretowners"... Yup, you can't make this kind of shit up.  But wait there's more! How about some history? Also keep in mind that most of the pictures here are actual pictures I took during my time in this quaint little town.

Some time after the American Revolution pioneer Joseph Houlton had moved to Maine from far heavier populated part of Massachusetts and formed a village of his own around 1807. In 1820 Maine separated from Massachusetts to become an independent state. In 1828 a military post named Hancock Barracks was established. When the Aroostook War otherwise known as the "Pork and Beans War" flared between the US and British over the placement of the New Brunswick, Canadian border, the Hancock Barracks was a focal point. Other notable facts about beloved Houlton:
- The home to first transatlantic radio intelligence station placed in town by the Army during World War 1.
- AT&T initiated the first transatlantic commercial telephone service linking New York to London. The Transoceanic Receiver Station and massive antenna so large it straddled what is now Interstate 95 where both just outside of the center of town. 
- 1941 the Army established the Houlton Army Air Base that sits immediately adjacent to the Canadian border. Not so much in case those crazy Canucks got any funny ideas eh... However They could not fly the planes directly into Canada, a member of the United Kingdom because that would violate the official United States position of neutrality. Local farmers used their tractors to tow the planes into Canada, where the Canadians closed the Woodstock highway so that aircraft could use it as a runway. 

This was going on outside the gym on Main St.

Ok enough with the history lessons already! Houlton as the rest of Aroostook County otherwise referred to as "The county" by natives is best known as the last truck stop before Canada and home to thousands of miles of potato fields. All this means is there ain't shit to do in Houlton, Maine. And just in case you are ready to say something silly like "the people must be lovely in such a small town." The answer is no. 


Now before I get too far off topic. The trip from Sanford, Maine to Houlton is a non-stop 5 hour drive once past Portland about 30 minutes in then it is filled with nothing more than trees. Miles and miles of trees. So a guy like me has lots of time to ponder life and let my brain run wild and free. So here we go with another brain dump! This is where I dump out all the silly thoughts that have entered my mind. There is no rhyme or reason to them, nor order. Enjoy!

No clue what this guy is doing.

+ I never had a family crest that I know of. However if I did I would imagine it would be something like 4 lions watching TV with a banner across the top that says in Latin "Hey, while your up can you get me a drink?"


+ If you are the type of person to sign the cross and pray before breakfast lunch and dinner then I think you should do it for snacks too. Why ask God to bless meat and potatoes and not cheese and crackers? If you are going to be religious be 100%. No half stepping when it comes to the lord I say.



Still no clue.

+ Ladies if you are going to wear a crucifix around your neck don't let it nestle right between your boobs. That's just like asking me to make a quick choice between good and evil and I can tell you right now that the Devil wins that game of chicken every time. I may say "Thank you Jesus!" for a great set of tits but that really is as far as that goes.

+ Fathers day here in Houlton is a very confusing day. Of this I am certain. The type of place you see bumper stickers that read "I'm the proud father of a nephew."

+ Having a vagina seems a lot like owning an old jalopy. Lots of maintenance and then once a month your going to have to shove an oil pan under it.



I think this should be on the side of a van.

+ Every time a man finishes on a woman instead of in her it is his way of saying "Those babies are not for you, they are for some one else. Now go get a towel." 

+  In relationships especially early on you tend to say all those sweet things to your significant other. Just the other day I told her "you're like a drug to me." (deep right?) She responded by asking "why is it because you're addicted to me?" I realize now I just should have said "Yup!" instead I said "No, because you're expensive and you make my balls shrink." I now realize that was the wrong answer.


This was selling for $500

+ Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

+ A fun social experiment to figure out who your real friends of the opposite sex are is to go on social media and change your relationship status to "in a relationship."

+ If you are a woman with a great figure but a face like a horse in the derby you are NOT nor will you ever be a model. If a guy asks you to model for him rest assure the focus will be taken away from your face and you will at some point be completely naked. Here's some advice however, grab a Twinkie and get real good at math because life is about to get hard. Being an ugly woman I think is a lot like being a dude. You're going to have to work for it.

+ Fun little thing to do in a bar and you see a group of women... Approach them as though you are a judge in a dog show. Point at them and say "you're 3rd, you're 2nd and you're 1st!" If you see a real hot one grab her by the crotch and the throat while calling out "Best in Show!" They love that. Women are so competitive.



Dude, I'm driving!

+ I remember a few years back I played in a Christian softball league. We basically played and got drunk. Although some of us drank before the game too. I remember playing shortstop and yelling at the base runners, "Hey! Thou shall not steal!" After the first time they didn't think it was funny at all.

+ Those crazy Catholics say that using contraception is a sin. I have cousins and other relatives that shoot babies out of their cooter like a t-shirt cannon now. Whenever they tell people how many kids they have they usually follow it up by saying "yeah, we are Catholic." Someone should really teach them how to masturbate. My towel has never gotten pregnant.

+ Speaking of masturbation. The Catholic church also says that is a sin as well. Needless to say I am no longer associated with the Catholic church. If you are a Catholic and you have been doing the 5 knuckle shuffle, they say you must repent at once! Don't get me wrong I will apologize all damn day, but I am pretty sure I going to do it again. If the church would have maybe broken me off a frequent sinners card, like after the 7th repentance the 8th one is free I might still be part of that cult.

Cheers!