Candybars and Fat Kids

I make no bones about the fact that I use to be all of 150lbs dripping wet holding a brick at 5 foot 9 inches and now here I am at 6'3" and 230lbs. I have gone from being the stature of a Pez dispenser, just a head a neck and feet to being the fat kid I am today. This is mostly in part to my college years I went to a military college. There was a corner store that sold pints of ice cream for .75 cents. Thank goodness for morning running and physical training because otherwise I would have been a whole lot bigger a whole lot sooner. This is what started my torrid affair with both Ben and Jerry and their delicious ice cream concoctions. Once I got the sweet tooth well there was just no stopping there. Look at this picture from a military ball in college. My date has broader shoulders than me!


Now I am a full blown "Chocoholic." I feel as though I should be going to meetings. Hi my name is Charles and I am a "Chocoholic... "Hi Charles" the rest of the pathetic souls in the group say in return to me in acceptance. "It has been 2 days since my last Milky Way Bar." The crackhead and coke addicts even look at me in disapproval. I mean at least their habit doesn't make them walk with a waddle...
Which brings me to a separate point. Whoever came up with the idea for "fun size" candy bars should be shot. Those are not fun at all. Especially when you have eaten 12 of them just to make a regular size candy bar and now all you're left with is tons of empty wrappers and shame. Creator of the "king size" however is a complete evil genius and whoever created the deep fried Milky Way bar should be elected president for life.

I digress, good thing I have guy friends as women will always say "you look fine." Leave it to your guy friends to look at you and say "Dude, you're a fatty" or address you with the loving nickname of "Skinny." Let's face it I only workout now just so I can splurge. If it weren't for the serious side affects and I don't want to break my vomit free since 2003 streak I have going I would give serious thought to bulimia. This is all only made more difficult by having a family full of long distance runners whose body types are nothing more than legs and lungs and my own dear sweet mothers nickname for me "Fat-ass."

Alas I have come to grips with my larger belts, elastic waist bands and XXL shirts. As Homer Simpson once said "it's not a dress, it's a moo-moo!" Now all of this has been an elaborate introduction for this weeks drink The Candy Bar Martini. So eat, drink and be merry!

Milky Way Martini

2 oz. - Vanilla Vodka
1 oz. - Bailey's Caramel
1 oz. - Butterscotch Schnapps
1/2 oz. - Godiva Dark Chocolate
Drizzle the glass with caramel
Shake over ice and strain
Garnish with chocolate flakes

CHEERS!

Banana's and Cream

So I was going to start this post off by saying how sorry I was since it has been so long since my last posting... Life has been busy. However I sit here perplexed as I search for images on Google Images for "Banana Cream" and absolutely nothing dirty comes up. My "safe search" is off and everything! I am seriously in shock. I pulled up "Chocolate covered strawberries" last week and it was a veritable cornucopia of pornographic images. This week "banana cream" and I get squat in the inappropriate column. Next thing you know they will tell me the internet is no longer just for porn and all about a useful resource to daily life. So to the owners of Google let me just say for the record, your slipping! I mean once I was in a airport terminal and saw a attractive woman eating a banana and I got her on cell video to send to my buddy. So this week is the Banana Cream Pie Martini as you might have guessed. As I post this martini I leave you disheartened to head to the hardware store and pass out bananas to every female I can find. Pervert? No! Visionary? I say yes!
Cheers!

Banana Cream Pie Martini
2 oz. - Creme de Banana
1 oz. - Bailey's Caramel
1 oz. - Vanilla Vodka
1/2 oz. - Cream
Drizzle caramel sauce in the glass
Rim the glass with Graham Crackers
Shake and strain
Garnish with a slice of banana

Another Pre-Valentines Day Treat

This weekend is unlike many of the others. Lots of couples looking for that romantic get away and a few guys just trying to WOW a girl long enough to get lucky. Valentines Day although many will say is just a greeting card holiday (which it is) is still and always will be in the hearts and minds of almost every woman and man. Sometimes for completely separate reasons as the woman wants to fall in love many men just want to make it, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that!

Whatever your motive, desire or feelings have in store lets not do the cliched roses, they cost way too much and die way too fast. Don't bother getting her a teddy bear unless she is beneath the age of 12. This year make her a drink she might just ask for another and another all year round and that might just help with the whole falling or making of love process. You just never know. So here is a pretty sweet martini treat just in time for Valentines Day. Cheers and good luck!


The Chocolate Covered Strawberry
2 oz. - Strawberry Vodka
1 oz. - Chocolate Vodka
1 oz. - Godiva Dark Chocolate Liqueur
1/2 oz. - Strawberry Patch Schnapps
Splash - Vanilla Vodka
Drizzle chocolate sauce around the inside of the glass
Rim the glass with chocolate sauce and red sugar*
Shake over ice and strain.
Garnish with a Chocolate covered strawberry. **


* Red Sugar = 2 parts sugar = 1 part Strawberry Jello mix

** Easy way to make a chocolate covered strawberry. In the ice cream section of your super market find hard shell chocolate sauce. Cover the Strawberries half way with the sauce. Make sure you cut a slit up the side of the strawberry to sit on the glass.

Dirty Pears???

This weekend at the bar provided yet another fun filled weekend. Two drinks in particular seemed to be bigger hits than all the rest. My version of the Hot & Dirty and another exclusive recipe the Forbidden Pear.

I had a couple of ladies cruise into my bar this weekend and their sense of taste could not have been more different. Sarah liked things light and sweet but not too sweet and Nikki didn't like sweet at all and preferred the spicier side of life. Two very different set of taste buds and if you meet this two-some very different personalities. For that I have two very different drinks.

My version of the "Hot & Dirty" is really quite simple although the name was morphed and twisted throughout the weekend by none other than Nikki herself. Everything from the "Hot & Sticky," "Dirty Hairy," The "Hot & Nasty" and even more creative names like the "Dirty, Sweaty, Hot and Hairy." All these names before we ended with the aptly named by her friend Sarah with affection I am sure The "Hot & Sticky Nikki." So call it what you will but here is my take on the Hot & Dirty Martini


Hot & Dirty
3 oz. - Premium Vodka*
1/2 oz - Olive juice
8 Dashes of Frank's Hot Sauce
Shake over ice and strain into a Martini glass
* If you have an infusion jar, I have used vodka infused with banana peppers and it comes out a bit more tangy
Garnish this with Olives stuffed with garlic


Now the Forbidden Pear is the polar opposite of the Hot & Dirty. This drink is light and sweet and refreshing and gives off the true flavor of pear without being overbearing. Now I call it the Forbidden Pear however Sarah opted for her own name as well as she stepped into the bar for the 2nd time for the night yelling out "Hey bartender I want a Pear Thingy!" Well whatever you call it this is a great drink with lots of natural sweetness... Like me! (Please reserve comments here)

The Forbidden Pear
1.5 oz. - Pear Vodka
1/2 oz. - Whipped Cream Vodka
1/2 oz. - Vanilla Vodka
2 oz. - Pear Nectar
Garnish a Martini glass with thin sliced pear quarters
drizzle lightly with caramel.
Shake over ice and strain into glass
Top with Champagne this adds a crispness to the pear flavor
Garnish with a mint leaf and a small puff of whipped cream

Valentine's Day is Just Around the Corner

Normally I would say "ba-humbug" to Valentine's Day but I recently watched the movie by the same name the other day and it made me slightly sentimental. So this year I will celebrate the holiday with a few cocktails to commemorate love and all it's glory! So here's to you Cupid! May you have many targets, steady aim and even more arrows than years past. Cheers!

Cherry Valentine
1 oz. - Vanilla Vodka
1 oz. - Creme de Cocoa
Splash of cream
1/2 oz. - Grenadine
Shake over ice and strain
Dip the rim in Chocolate sauce then sugar
Splash with Club Soda
Garnish with a cherry

Agave Kiss
2 oz. - Silver Tequila
1 oz. - Creme de Cocoa
1 oz. - Cream
1/2 oz. Chambord
Rim with white chocolate flakes
Garnish with a few fresh Raspberries