Thoughts for the Week

This week has been a busy one. Especially with Labor day coming up and the bars around Vacationland (Maine) packed to the gills. The funny part is that I do a lot of my thinking while in the shower. More specifically I get my funniest thoughts while lathering old hank and the twins.

*Mental picture for you as I stand there in the warm water still half asleep in the morning on my 8th pass with the soap around the twig and berries when a funny thought crosses my mind and there I am just giggling at the ridiculousness of my own thoughts.

Good luck getting that image out of your head... Sorry!

I digress... With all thes thoughts and the only place to write them is the in the steam on the shower walls. I am left to remember them and release them into the wild here to all of you. So let the brain dumping begin!

+ Do not ask silly questions if you are not ready to hear the answer. I am reminded of a story from when I was married. We were laying in bed and just like couples do they sometimes ask those silly questions (Example: If I die will you ever re-marry? Answer: Noooo, I would never make that mistake again.) So we are just laying there in the darkness and she asks me, If I was 400lbs. would you still love me? Answer: Of course I would... From a distance! She hit me. I wonder why that marriage didn't workout???!!

+ Everyone looks great in Black and White pictures. Yellow teeth are suddenly bright white and wrinkles are non-existant. B&W pictures take 10 years off your image.

 + Everytime someone dies there are a few automatic responses we are trained to say:

* "They are in a better place now." - What if they were an asshole? I am pretty certain upon hearing about my death there will be a few people at least who will say "Oh thank goodness. That son of a bitch had it coming to him!"

* "I'm sorry." - Why did you do it? Where you the Devils pickle that created cancer? If so I really don't think a simple "sorry is going to cut it here. We all might be looking for something a bit more heart felt. For some reason this response reminds me of the scene from the movie Animal House where John Balushi smashes a guys guitar because he hated the music and hands it back a mangled mess with a simple "sorry" and shoulder shrug. 

* If it is someone over the age of 80 "They had a good run." My Pop always says "What if you are the guy in the room that is older than the dead guy?!" Hey hey hey my run isn't over yet!

+ No one ever calls a funeral home in a cheerful voice. One time I was working on a marketing campaigne for the Funeral Directors Association of America. What a fun group of guys this must be. Part of this project was to call all the local Funeral Directors and get them to advertise thier home around the campaigne. I was having a great day. The sun was out, the birds where singing, I was already into my second cup of french vanilla latte. Hell I even got sex that morning! I was for all intensive puposes a happy camper. The minute someone answered the phone at the funeral home I was calling my voice instantly got sullen. I so badly wanted to suck in some hellium and giggle while talking but I just couldn't do it.

+ The other day I read the directions on how to prepare a "Hot Pocket" in the microwave. As if anyone would wait around for the gourmet pocket of lava to be baked. One of the instructions were to "place in the crisping sleeve and place on a paper plate." Translation: You dumb redneck your flatwear consists of paper plates, red solo cups and used Cool Whip containers and those were given to you on your wedding day as a gift to outfit your sweet trailor park home along with a pack of 3 strap t-shirts. 

+ I love my Dog because he loves me back. If I leave the house for 2 minutes to run the trash out to the corner he is frantic like he hasn't seen me in months. When I had a cat he could care less if I left him alone for 80 days as long as he had food and water. My cat was an asshole. He reminds me of my guy friends. I bet if my cat had a marker and I fell asleep drunk he would dram all over my face and laugh at me in the morning. My Dog remds me of some of my past girlfriends. If my dog had a cell phone it would be blowing up everytime I left the house. 

+ I use to think the worst job in the world was the guy that shovels elephant shit at the circus. Then I went and saw a big name comedian and the warm up act came out. Everyone cheered till they figured out he wasn't the guy they wanted to see. Then when he was getting ready to introduce the main act and leave the crowd went crazy. I wonder if that happens everywhere he goes. Sort of like Jesus's brother. Everytime they went anywhere together people would see the family resemblance from a distance and then someone would yell "hey everyone I think Jesus is here!" The crowd would go nuts. then someone else would see it's just his brother Craig and collectively the crowd would groan with dissapointment. 

Cheers!  

How to Piss off Your Bartender

If you are someone that likes to visit a local watering hole now and again. Here are a few things that might just grind your bar keepers gears and I think we all know by now that a happy bartender is a good one for you!

+ Shred coasters and labels leave the remains everywhere.
We understand you have stress and sexual frustrations in your life. But a lot like a mother tells her child "use your words." Leaving a big pile of shredded napkin, labels or whatever else you can get your hands on makes a nice mess for us to clean up after you. Thanks...

+ Ask "what else do you do for work?"
This is my real job thanks for asking you condescending prick! The national average annual salary for bartenders is approximately $52,000. Now yes a lot of bartenders do have other gigs because they have a bit of time in the daytime and what better to do than make more paper. However $52k/ year is well above the national average ($51,000.) Not to mention along with the sex trades my job is completely recession proof.


+ Order one drink at a time.
I realize I may look as bright as a 2x4 however I can remember up to 10 drinks at any given time. I realize it is a lot more fun to watch me run back and forth while you give me one drink at a time like a dog on a wire. I'll do it once after that I am going to tell you to poll the group and give it to me all at once. Also while we are at it let's knock off the game "stump the bartender." There are a million names for practically the same drink out there. I don't know them all. I have shit to do.


+ .50 cent tip.
Your first drink will be a fair pour. After that your cocktails will start to taste a lot like soda or fruit juice. See how this works? Also please unless I know you don't tell me you will take care of me later. You don't see me coming into your McDonalds and telling you I will get you the next time I come get my McDouble. Pretty simple formula here for tipping: 1 - 3 drinks = $1 to $2, 4 - 7 drinks = $3, 8+ drinks = $5. Capisce?

+Vodka cranberry heavy on the vodka
You don't see me coming around your job slapping the dicks out of your mouth so please don't tell me how to do mine. Unless your ready to pay for a double don't tell me how to pour your drink. I like my job and you shaking your half empty glass of $6 a bottle Senator's Whiskey (bar swill) at me and telling me to top you off unless you're my boss or one of my boys ain't going to happen.



+ This doesn't taste like it has any alcohol in it.
when I give you a drink and you complain you can't taste the alcohol. I get it your an cheap alcoholic and you normally drink crap vodka straight from the tin. Not to mention you've drank so much that the only thing that will wake up your taste buds and register on the alcohol is nothing short of anti-freeze strained through wonder bread. I'm going to give you a standard pour if not a little more every time. If you are in my good graces I might hit you up with a little heavy handed pour. However complain about how I do my job from the jump and you and I are not going to be friends. Hint for you: A friendly bartender is a good bartender. A good bartender gives you the hook up every so often.

+ The Star Crossed Lovers.
I understand you just found your sole-mate when you came to meet your match from the internet dating site. Also I know what it's like to feel like a dog in heat. I too bear the burden of carrying a penis. However there is a time and a place for everything and my bar is not the place to try and procreate through each others jeans. Especially if you are taking up valuable real estate at my bar. If you are sucking face you're not drinking and if you are not drinking I don't want you sitting at my bar! Also no one wants to get your collateral damage all over themselves so you are more than likely getting a 2 seat buffer. Even less people sitting at my bar. Get a room! Yeah yeah we know you're not that kind of girl but let's face it you are tonight! If you are rounding second base while sitting at the bar your wrong. No argument here. And it's OK that you are going to get to the great divide. I mean hell I am probably rooting for you and might even try to help you. But come on! Ain't nobody trying to see all that! And if you're rude to me, bet your ass I'm telling her you gave the last 3 girls Chlamydia the second you go to the men's room.

+ The snapper.
Dude! Seriously! Snap at me and I might just come over and poke you right in the eye! I'm going to get to you as fast as I can. Now if you want me to notice you faster hit me with a $20 at the beginning of the night. I'll tell you for the rest of the night come to a certain part of the bar and I will give you priority. Starting to see how this relationship works yet? Tip me and I will tip you. While we are at it if you are in such a hurry to get your drinks that you have to ask out-loud "who do you have to blow to get a drink around here?" The answer is "Me!" Every single time it's me! Now weather I allow you to blow me is another topic all together. Real easy lesson here... Don't be a dick!

his reminds me of a guy that came into my bar while I was bartending at a luxury hotel in Maine. He came and got his first drink and said he just wanted something strong. (Already this sends up a red flag that you are going to be a problem child and clearly drinking to get drunk.) I made him a hurricane and he barely tipped me. then the next time he starts snapping at me and says he wants 2 at a time. I'm the only guy on and he is being a little obnoxious so I tell him to pump his brakes and instead he responds with a brush off. So from this point on he gets juice and lots of it! Sure he got 8 different kinds of juice all mixed to look like a Hurricane. However in the end that is all he gets. As I tip over the liquor bottles to look like I'm pouring a heavy cocktail my thumb is over the pour spout every time. I keep telling him that he should probably slow down and by now I have shown everyone in the bar all that he is getting is juice. Even better he is acting completely hammered and paying full price for every drink as though it is a high end cocktail. Every time he sucks down a drink he starts snapping at me and leaving me a meager tip. I'm ringing him for 2 juices (about $5) and he is paying $20 for each double I suedo-pour. So now he is the laughing stock of the bar and every time he snaps his fingers at me he winds up giving me a $15 tip. I think after all was said and done he left me a $150 tip for the night. Thanks Jackass!

+ Don't we get free shots? It's our birthday!
You're not 12 and this isn't Applebee's. When was the last time you went anywhere else and asked for free shit? Try that at the bank, see what happens. Even better yes, I love it when you show me your tits! THANK YOU! You have brightened my day! However I have seen more tits than you can imagine and no I am not going to give you free drinks all night because you are wearing a lovely shade of whore this evening. Guys, don't even think about it!

+ It's OK I know the owner.
I know the owner too and trust me when I say it's NOT OK. Furthermore I am not going to break the rules for that. I like my job and I stand to make a whole lot more in the long run than just one good tip from you. So until my owner/ manager tells me it's OK I don't give a solid poop who you know.

+ Do you think you make a better margarita than me?
Nope! You have perfected your drinks to your own taste buds. This isn't a contest especially when the only judge is you! A bit bias don't you think? Even the Russian judge calls shenanigans on that move. If I could go out and get all my own fresh ingredients just to make one very special drink for you, God love ya I would. However I work in a bar where there are just a few more paying customers than yourself. Now, if you would like to share your recipe with me I will gladly compare notes with you. However when was the last time you went to your Doctor and asked him if he thinks he can diagnose you better than you? The message here is I don't come to your place of business grinding my ass on your stage and dancing on your pole. So please do me the same courtesy. I'm a professional at what I do, so please leave it to me to be one for you.


+ I know I said there would just be 10... My fruit tray is NOT a buffet!
Stop being cheap and get a damn appetizer. I spent a good bit of time preparing for my shift by cutting all sorts of fruit and you come along with your grubby paws and start woofing down my oranges, cherries and olives.

+ Can't you do any tricks?
I'm a bartender not a juggler. If you want to see jugglers go to the circus or Vegas, they are pretty much the same thing only they check ID's in Vegas. Sometimes. Furthermore how is me flipping (breaking) a bottle going to equate to me being a great bartender. Please tell me I "need to up my game" because the guy down the street can flip bottles. I will make you a very tasty cocktail and maybe even add some snappy repartee. However I'm not a monkey with symbols. I really want to see what your lawyer says when you ask him why he doesn't dance on his desk while giving legal advice? If he does, start roughing up your hands and get in the gym because your ass is going to jail.

+ So are you a Mixologist?
If your bartender answers yes to this get the fuck out of that bar. Seriously! You are either in a hipster bar or this clown takes themselves WAY to seriously. Either way this bar sucks! You can bet if the bartender takes themselves so seriously the patrons are going to mirror that 10 fold! That the equivalent of a gas station attendant calling himself a Fuel Transfer Technician or a High School Janitor calling herself a Higher Education Sanitary Control Engineer. Personally I'm a Booze Jockey. (Keep an eye out for BoozeJockey.com launching soon!) Let's keep it simple.

Alright there are a few things to keep in mind next time you hit the local hooch palace. This should make your bartender/ patron relationship a smooth one. Now sit down and order a drink!

Cheers!


 

Heaven or Hell?

Sitting back with my bourbon and cigar thinking about the week that was, and the big event was bringing my kids to their first funeral. No matter who the funeral is for it makes you examine your own self worth. Looking around at all those in attendance makes you wonder will anyone show up at my grave or will it go wildly un-noticed? There are so many thoughts associated with death and dying in my head right now so I feel another brain dumping coming on... Enjoy!

+ As the old saying goes "You can't take it with you."... What if you can? What if you are suppose to? What if you get to the pearly gates and Saint Peter the Dorman to Club Heaven tells you a door fee. You are already dressed in your best look ready to spend eternity in this wonderful place and now you can't get in because you don't have the $50 entry fee. Let's say that Pete gives you a pass, but there is a VIP section with bottle service. How are you going to get your bottle of Goose and hang with Sinatra, Janis Joplin and Robin Williams (to soon?) while watching Biggy and Tupac do the Kid N' Play dance from House Party? All I'm saying is that you don't need to take it all with you but maybe a little pocket lining to start a rainy day fund at the 1st Bank of After-life. Last thing I want is to get there and have to Fred and Barney it everywhere. Maybe there is some sort of Jesus Scooter Superstore and let's face it we can't all be angles. I mean if I see Madonna with wings and I don't get any I'll be pissed. Pete if that hose-bag is already in there, you have seen my resume and I shouldn't have to answer any questions!


+ There are so many religions and so many different beliefs out there. Some of us has to be wrong. What if God is really Nipsey Russell, Tito Puente or better yet Nell Harper. How many rednecks do you think that will piss off? Let's see you waiving your rebel flag now! Just then one of the Apostles show up in a mini-bus open the door and yell "Come on y'all jump in! We're headed up to the big house."

+ What do you think the interview process is like at "The Pearly Gates?" Who is doing the interviewing? How many interviews must you go through? Is there a panel sort of like America's Got Talent. the panel could be George Burns, Jerry Garcia, Betty White (she's not dead yet but let's face it, every time you hear about a star dying you think "oh Betty White finally died?!" Then you hear it was someone else and you are a little surprised.) Jesus is the M.C. of the panel and introduces people with a little flair.

+ What am I going to be remembered for? I mean I want to be remembered for being a great Father, a loving husband (someday.) and a all around fun loving guy that could always take and give a joke. Someone honest, real, down to earth and caring. Above all the sort of person that would give you the shirt off his back and smile in the face of adversity. I want people to be able to say "He kept every promise he ever made" and " What ever happened his toes where still tapping." But let's be real I will probably be remembered for mixing a decent drink and having sex with a midget and not necessarily in that order. Eh I guess there are worse things that could be said.

+ Will anyone cry or will they just kick dirt? How many people will show up? I mean will it be like a big sporting event or like a JV baseball game in the rain where only a couple parents show up so they can keep little Timmy from griping when he's older that they where never there for him. Or like Catholics on Sunday that show up and pretend to know all the moves and words but merely mumble the songs and do as the alter-boys do. Then once they are finished doing the wine and crackers they get in the parking lot and act like animals so as not to be late for the game on TV.  I hope there are a lot of laughs. I mean be sad sure. But laugh a lot too. I want people to recount times we had together. Even my past or present haters. Even they have a good story or two. Hopefully not all containing some weird sexual scenario. I mean there are going to be some relatives there and the last thing I want is someone having to explain what the "double reverse Arabian gauntlet" is and why it was the death of me.

+ When I do finally kick the bucket, meet my maker or kiss the sky will someone please burn my porn collection, delete my browser history and toss my tablet computer into the ocean? Who wants to be in charge of that fun task and yes I will leave rubber gloves. I just don't want anyone having to question why I had a membership on KaboomBootys.com. That's just sad.

+ What will my last words be? I want them to be something meaningful. I mean right after I say "God save me." because I am told if you say those 3 little words then all is forgiven and there is no devil time for you. I just hope my final words will be meaningful and will ring true for all eternity. I know no pressure there right? Also you don't want to deliver words like that too soon. You really have to be in-tune as to when your final breath may be. Although in all reality I will probably have some deep meaningful statement all written out and ready to say with all my family and friends in mind and something they can remember me by, however my last words will be "Oh shit!" and I will be paralyzed from the neck down and no one will think to look in my pocket much like when I do laundry and wash a $20 bill.

+ I hope Satin is completely scary looking. I mean if it's jus some really old guy dancing around in red pajamas with a pitchfork like a senior citizen that escaped the home then I am just going to kick rocks and hope I can jump the fence to heaven and hope to blend in.

+ What should I wear? I am usually seen in a pair of khaki shorts, t-shirt and a button down with some nice sneakers. I just don't want to get there and have them refuse me like they did at that club in Manhattan. Sure we still went to a solid couple of clubs in the lower village but it was a real mixed bag and a little sketchy getting there. I am told Purgatory is no place to be traveling when the street lights come on. So maybe I should just be on the safe side seeing as I already will have some money in my pocket and just suit up. My grandmother always said "better over dressed than under." Or maybe this is a prime time to layer or just gym bag it. Although I have been giving serious consideration to cremation. Because when I die I am probably going to look a mess or it will be due a deadly overdose of Viagra and too much bourbon. So there I will be dick up in a casket smelling of booze and lubricant that exploded in my pocket as I hit the kitchen floor. Also I really don't want one of the quandaries to be "should we just push his boner down and slam the casket shut like when we over-pack the station wagon?" Just go ahead and cut it off and make it a silly trophy to be passed around annually for the guy on your pickup league team that got with the ugliest girl while completely sober.

So much like the old toast goes... May you find your way to heaven 20 minutes before the Devil knows you're there!

 

Cheers!

Mental Cleansing

So here are a few thoughts I have had in no particular order that have made me giggle. I hope they do the same for you. Keep in mind this is going to be completely disjointed and without rhyme or reason. Just some of the silly crap that shoots across my mind. I tend to call this "Brain Droppings" Every so often I do this as sort of a taking out the mental trash. Enjoy!


+ Halmark and Kleanex should really think about joining forces. Wouldn't it be great if tissue boxes had little messages on them like: You look nothing like your Mother. Your only 40, you have plenty of time to get your act together or Someone special is right around the corner.

+ When in a movie who or what determines who gets the arm rest. You would think by now theaters would start putting in couch seating. I mean we all know what a couch is and they want us o be comfortable right?

+ Did you know that the song "Ring around the Rosy" was about the Bubonic plague?! "Ring around the rosy" refers to the skin lesions that appear as bright red ulcerated spots surrounded by a ring. "Pocket full of posies" is in reference to the Physicians of the day. They use to carry herbs and flowers (usually posies) in attempt to ward off the plague. Finally "Ashes, ashes, we all fall down" is everyone dying from the plague. Morbid right? And to think your Mom use to sing and dance with you to that song when you where a baby!

+ When people say "Jesus H. Christ!" What does the H stand for?

+ Do you think Willy Coyote use to keep his receipts and get exchanges for all the crap he would buy from Acme that would fail? Where did he get all his money? How did he do his ordering? That was well before the internet and he wouldn't go into the store it would just show up on his door step. And Willy couldn't speak. Did Willy Coyote create Amazon?

+ If the way to a man's heart is through his stomach then why do surgeons insist on cracking open a guys chest when doing open heart surgery?

+ Little known fact that just prior to Abraham Lincoln took office he was in Washington DC with his family. One of the biggest causes of death was being hit by a stage coach much like today is motor vehicle accidents. One day Tad Lincoln was out in town and just about to cross the street when a run away stage came through nearly hitting young Tad if not for someone pulling him back at the last second. The person to pull him back to the side of the road and save his life? Edwin the son of John Wilkes Booth.

+ There is good and bad to carpooling. Sure you save on gas expense, wear and tear on your car and you have people to punch when you see a "punch buggy." Bad you just can't pick your nose and wipe it behind the mirror or fart whenever you want to. Note to self: clean off drivers side mirror.

+ There really should be some sort of suicide intervention for furry woodland creatures. Please stop running under my tires! You have so much to live for.

+ There are 171,476 words currently in the English dictionary and 47,156 obsolete ones. I recently took inventory and I know 56 words and most of them are monosyllabic. (Oh hey! Make that 57 and "monosyllabic" is one of the big ones!)


+ No mater how much people say we evolve from apes I must refrain from throwing poo at stupid people at the bar.

+ Dumbest things I heard while on a date with a girl I met off the internet... "I'm not religious but I love Jesus." "I take prescription sleeping pills but there is no drugs in them because they come from a doctor." and the topper, "I need to pick up some Red Bull to take my sleeping pill." Seriously thought about poking her right in the eye! I have officially given up on dating.

+People say money doesn't grow on trees however it is made from trees. So in essence...

+ As a man taking off my boxer briefs and giving the boys a good scratch I can only imagine is the equivalent of a woman taking off her bra at the end of a day. Just a bit more refined. It's not a pretty site, avert your eyes. Trust me!

+ I really need to work on my "O - Face" seriously I want to look so much cooler in that vital
moment. I have no idea how women don't finish the night with a good chuckle at our face. Women's is sooooo much sexier. New "O-Face" training starts tomorrow. I am thinking it should be a build up and culminating in air pistols and a wink.

+ When you take a selfie in your home for Christ sake clean your room and wash your mirror! Simple shit here. And keep your kid out of any provocative pictures.

+ Who is "Sam Hell" and why is he always first to know what is going on anywhere?

+ A note to black comedians all of us white guys are not accountants and lawyers and we actually have bass in our voice.

+ I don't keep a perfect home and usually clean the entire house about once a week unless a female guest is stopping by. In that case I suddenly turn into Mr. Clean.

+ I have never hauled a boat, worked on a farm or towed an 18 wheeler. However I do like Bob Seger's music. Can I still drive a pick-up truck?

Alright that is all I have for now. Rest assure there will be more to come.

Cheers!