Actual Conversation from this Weekend

Friday night in the upper bar got a little slow at one point. 2 guys in their mid 20's came up to grab a drink and talk. One was a short, chubby redhead with a gold chain outside his shirt we will call him "Eric." The other of Indian decent and at 5'8" could not have weighed more than 150 lbs. we will call him "Jay." The conversation that ensued I couldn't make up and was definitely giggle worthy. Here is a taste of my Friday night...

Eric: (to his friend Jay) Hey man what's your target tonight?
Jay: I don't know maybe grab a few more drinks, dance with some girls and see what happens.
Eric: No man, what's your vagina target? Who are you looking at?
Jay: Uhhhmmm... No one really yet I guess.
Eric: Come on man time is wasting and you don't want to be the only one empty handed at the end of the night.
Jay: I need a beer.

Me: Hey guys what's up? What can I get you?
Jay: Bud Light.
Eric: What is your cheapest drink?
Me: $3 Coors Light.
Eric: I'll take one of those. (Giving me $3 exactly. No tip.)

Me: Hi my name is Charles
Eric: I'm Eric but everyone calls me "Jackal"
Me: Why "Jackal?"
Eric (Now Jackal): Because of my last name and all the ladies will remember Jackal better than Eric.
Me: Chubby redhead guy isn't enough I guess. What is your last name?
Eric (Now Jackal): Jackson
Me: How do you get Jackal from Jackson? You know what never mind.
Jay: I'm just Jay

Eric (now Jackal): So are you just a bartender here or somewhere else too.
Me: I tend bar at one other place in Ogunquit, Maine and I have a day job also.
Jackal: I guess you need a better day job huh?
Me: Why is that?
Jackal: So you can be on this side of the bar instead of being here on the weekends. (acting like a big timer)
Me: Oh really!
Jackal: Yeah it's a lot more fun out here instead of having to work all night.
Me: OK, let's play this game.
Jay: Oh damn here it comes...

Me: How many women are you going to talk to tonight do you think?
Jackal: Tonight? A lot! There are all kinds of women here ready to go.
Me: OK How many have you spoken to so far?
Jay: 3 at the most.
Me: And how did that go for you?
Jay: He is up here with me.
Jackal: I just needed a break and wanted a drink.
Me: Alright, so it's 11:00 now and you are at 3 so far. By the end of the night let's say you have had a great night. How many women might you talk to?
Jackal: Like 30.
Jay: Yeah right!
Me: No let's give him the benefit of the doubt.
Me: If you meet a nice girl with low morals will you buy her a drink or two?
Jackal: Yeah.
Me: So how much money on drinks will you spend? Say $50 or $60 to be on the safe side because we know you're not a tipper.
Jackal: I was going to tip you.
Me: OK
Jay: Here you go (hands me a dollar.)
Me: So what is your opening line to start a conversation with these ladies?
Jackal: I don't know I just say something nice like you're pretty or some shit.
Me: Regular Don Juan!
Jackal: Or I just dance up on them.
Me: The sneak attack method!

Me: OK So far you will talk to 30 or so women but it is forced conversation or sneak up on them and grind your junk against them till they submit to questioning.You will spend at least $50 in the process and maybe then just maybe you will get a number or possibly get lucky.

Jackal: (laughing) Well not just like that...
Jay: He sort of has you pegged
Me: OK now let me tell you about my night... I have already spoken to at least 50 women and will talk to at least another 100 before the end of the night. Even better I don't have to sneak up on them. They come to me. Oh and here is my opening line; "Hi what can I get you to drink?" Even better I don't spend a dime. In fact they pay me, and tip a lot better than you too.
Jackal: Uhhh
Me: Still think being a bartender is no fun? You might want to get busy on your night only a few hours till last call.
Jay: Let's go! 

Saturday afternoon Jackal and Jay come back in the bar. Jackal has an ice cream cone and looks rough. He forgot his credit card at the bar and forgot to close out his tab for the night. 

Me: How did it go last night fellas?
Jackal: It was good. You know we got some bites.
Me: Bites?
Jay: We left here at last call and got breakfast. He tried talking to every girl he saw to prove you wrong and still ended the night with just his pillow and a hangover today.
Jackal: Whatever... I need to get my credit card I forgot it here.
Me: Here it is. We closed out your tab at the end of the night and automatically added a 20% gratuity.
Jackal: Oh 20%?
Me: Yup! 20% Thanks for the tip!

Me: Cheers!

How To Thank a Vet

After the 9/11 attacks there was a outpouring of patriotism and renewed love for the men and women in out armed forces. I have had the good fortune of being able to serve in the Army and have seen first some of the love passed my way for my time served. Although I have to admit at first when people would say thank you for my service I was not sure how to take the praise. It was my decision after all to sign my life over to Uncle Sam and at the time it didn't feel like I was doing anything courageous it just felt like a good idea and direction to point my life. You know the whole go and "be all you can be in the Army!"


Now that some time has passed since the attacks and the War on Iraq is now "over." (feel free to note the sarcasm in that statement.) We have holidays such as Memorial day and Veterans day set aside to honor our veterans and fallen soldiers. Yes the "Thank you for serving" is very nice and a sweet sentiment. So thank you all for those thank yous please do not take what is to follow as a non appreciation because trust me I do. However I think I have a few ways to enhance these holidays.


I saw a commercial the other day on TV for hiring veterans. A group of vets saying "we don't want pity or a hand out just a chance." I have to agree with that. Let's get away from just saying thank you on a particular day. Instead of just saying thank you, live it! here are a few ideas and keep in mind I'm just spit balling here so if you have more ideas to make these thanks even better by all means feel free to chime in.


1. If you are in a HR position offer your business card to the vet with a simple "my company may be hiring, call me Monday."

2. Hug a vet today. If you have a great rack feel free to linger and give a little extra.

3. Pay the toll for the vet in the next car.

4. Vets like boobies too! Flash a vet today.

5. Nothing says thank you like a cold beer.

6. New holiday idea: Blow a vet Thursday's!

7. Correction: Nothing says thank you like a steak and a cold beer!

8. Correction: Nothing says thank you like combining  6 & 7!

God Bless America and Thank you to all who have gone before us. Happy Memorial Day!

Cheers!

Chiiiilll...

Life sure can be stressful. There are bills to pay, obligations to be kept, jobs to work, relationships to uphold and deadlines to meet. Just watching the news anymore makes my pucker factor start to climb. Sit in Monday morning traffic and you can hear the tightening of all the colons around you as folks sit in their gas guzzling SUV's going through their mental Role-a -Dex for a good excuse to use for why they are late to the office.

Being a bartender in this case has it's benefits because let's face facts, I don't have the toughest job in the world. Thank goodness for common sense and low S.A.T. scores or else I may be among the stressed out masses.

On the flip side of this coin I much like a Catholic priest during confession get to hear all the stories of the stress, anxiety and ill fortune that seems to be heavy like the pollen lingering in the air. In turn this puts the stress back on me! So for just this occasion I have come up with a great concoction that will help you put your worries behind you for a few fleeting moments at the very least, aptly named...

Chiiiilllll...

In a large pint glass filled with ice

1.5 oz. Citron Vodka

1.5 oz. Melon Liqueur

1.5 oz. Coconut Rum

Fill with Watermelon juice

Squeeze of 1 lime slice

Now breath deep and sip slowly, now is no time for a brain freeze.

Cheers!

Taking That First Step

Today my post is going to be one of a different nature. I realize that someone if anyone follows this blog they have come to know my posts to be especially as of late a bit more on the side of a rant. Sarcastic, humorous, sometimes whitty and often condesending. So I am bracing you for something quite different today. You see my message today is meant to be a bit more uplifting, light hearted and hopefully a friendly message.

A few months ago I walked into the weight room at my local YMCA to do my daily workout. I was plugged into my headphones and in a world of my own as I went about my routine. As per usual I don't talk a whole lot or waste much time standing around chit-chatting with people. So not unusual that I didn't notice Nick.

Nick is a guy I often play basketball against in my Tuesday and Thursday night league. Nick is a bit younger than I am but when I met him, he was out of shape and going about doing a workout he printed off the internet. He came over to me in the middle of my workout and asked me if I knew how to do a "dead-lift." Hang with me I am going somewhere with all this... After I showed him the proper technique I was interested to know what he was trying to acheive and a bit more about his workout goals. We spoke about what he should be doing to acheive those goals instead of his random internet workout that really wasn't befitting of his fitness desires.

We now lift 4 times a week together and he pushes me as much as I push him. He works hard in the gym and listens intently. So far Nick has seen his strength improve tremendously and he has lost inches from his waist line. None of this would have been possible unless Nick took that first step.

You see I admire the fact that he knew that he didn't know the correct form and needed help. Nick swallowed his pride and instead of doing the wrong thing or remaining with limited knowledge he took a step. With that step he is well on his way to what he wants to acheive.

I recently saw the movie "We Bought a Zoo." In the movie there was a line that went along with this message "20 seconds of courage can change your life forever." I am not going to claim to be all knowing or even close to right 90% of the time. However this message is one I am fairly certain about. Swallowing our pride, asking for help and taking that step all take great courage.

Pride is a silent killer of many. It kills dreams, relationships and can stand in the way of many forms of greatness. I am living testament to this. I have absolutely squandered many great opportunities and lost relationships just due to the simple fact that aside from not knowing what step to take, I just failed to take any.  My message here today is to find that courage and take that step. Any step at all! Don't fear losing face as a blush only lasts a few seconds. Seek those who can help you and ask for what you want. The worst they can say is "no." Understand we all have something special inside and a destiny to be fullfilled. I urge you all ("all" hahahaha) to take a step. Don't wait for tomorrow. Not one more second. You never know till you do.

Cheers!