Bless this Blog.

Looking for a Bartender for your next function? E-Mail CharlesTheBartender@Yahoo.com or Call Me! (207) 432-5056

Thoughts, stories, ideas, recipes, cheers, and more... What else did you think you would get for a $1 tip?

For those of you looking for something on the more sophisticated side you have my apologies. This blog unfortunately mirrors the author (yours truly.) Some of the humor is not for everyone but I liked it and it's my blog so there! My patrons sometimes ask me where I come up with some of this stuff. I am glad to tell them my mind is a lot like Canada. It is sometimes a bit cold, there are a few dark corners, some of it down right confusing and even a bit dirty but there is also a lot of neat stuff up there. So I hope you all enjoy this blog! ... Cheers!

Monday, June 30, 2014

Big Mac Attack

So here I am single again... Ladies please one at a time! I am only one man. Oh wait no one? Really?! Damn! This change in social status usually means a varying combination of a few things for me:

1. My body pillow starts to see use again. (I'm a cuddler.)
2. Watching the movie "Love Actually" and think about where my love life all went wrong.
3. My chocolate intake goes up.
4. Gym time goes up to counter the elevated chocolate intake but never enough to completely negate the excess of chocolate.
5. Shaving becomes less of a priority.
6. Leaving the seat up in the bathrooms.
7. Re-establishing "naked Tuesday's" around the house.
8. Outward resentment of all my married or happily in relationship friends.
9. I tend to write a lot more due to no one else around to listen to my dumbass thoughts... Sorry to all my readers in advance. 
10. Chronic masturbation! Like a 13 year old boy that just figured out there are other uses for his penis! I love me some me!
With all that in place especially #10, there are a few different types of people that I just don't trust. Anyone who says they do not have or watch TV unless they are homeless. People that say they never shop at WalMart. Those that claim to have never been to McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King or just vegans in general. The worst of this group are guys who swear they never masturbate! Like I am the only person in this country with a love for low priced home goods, watching "2 and a Half Men" and "Big Bang Theory" while eating a double cheeseburger and rubbing one out! I am calling Bullshit on the whole lot of them!

These guys are the same ones that say they have never stood before a mirror naked, tucked their unit between their legs and squished their chest together to see what they looked like as a woman. We all did it after watching the movie "Silence of the Lambs" and ended up saying "I'd fuck me!" I'm sorry to say this ladies but we are ALL guilty! For just this reason I will never walk in front of a full length mirror naked again.


So like Crosby, Stills and Nash sang "If you can't love the one you love, love the one you're with!" Did you know that in certain parts of the world and even here in the United states it is illegal to do the 5 knuckle shuffle? Dade County Florida, I am talking to you. In these times where teen pregnancy is at a all time high I think it is high time to reverse such laws and preach the word that it is just fine to flog the dolphin. Here are a few of the penalties and laws for self pleasure from around the world:

Indonesia: Decapitation
United Kingdom: 14 days in prison if done in public. Although the UK recently joined the Netherlands and other European nations to teach teens to masturbate at least daily.
Saudi Arabia: 3 years in prison and 300 lashes.
Alabama: In 2009 the Supreme Court outlawed sales of all devices used for stimulation of human genitalia. Oddly OK to sleep with your 1st cousin however. Sweet home indeed...
North Carolina: Class 3 Misdemeanor carrying as much as 5 years in prison.
Texas: 2 years in the slammer. This is the same state trying to create an express line for death penalty inmates.

We have all heard the perils of doing it too much... I use to have a buddy in the Army that would tell me if you do it too much you will go blind. To which I would tell him "hey I'm over here."


Those crazy Christians during the 1st Century AD proclaimed the act to be a "mortal sin" and you where damned for all eternity including your soul. It isn't till fairly recent that they have loosened up a bit to change their stance only slightly to discouraging anyone to do it.

Now back to my original point here... The other day I was thinking about the act itself and due to my extreme case of ADD I couldn't help but to think about the correlation between two of my favorite evils. Please hang with me here for a moment while I explain.

One of my guilty pleasures in this world is none other than a McDouble with cheese, no pickles and light ketchup and mustard. Me and that clown from McDonald's have a long standing relationship. Sort of a don't ask don't tell deal. But here I am today out and proud to say I like McDonald's. I know it stands for everything that is wrong with todays obesity issues in the United States but damn-it I am among the billions served. Yes I have seen parts of the movie "Super Size Me" but some love you just can't explain and so long as I am not hurting anyone else, I am going to keep on doing it. Just try and stop me!

Euphemisms for masturbation:
A date with Palmela Handerson, Acting out the grapes of wrath, Beat the beaver, Beating the bishop, Bop the bologna, Choking the chicken, Clean the bean, Clicking the mouse, Dating Rosie Palmer and her 5 sisters, Diddle my skittle, Donald trump firing his apprentice, Fire off some knuckle-children, Five knuckle shuffle, Flickin’ the kitten, Flicking the bean, Flog the dolphin, Getting trigger happy, Going fishing with the man in the boat, Going to the palm prom, Greasin’ the gash, Hand to gland combat, Having a knee trembler, Smacking the slit, Holding your sausage hostage, Jerkin the Gerkin, Jilling off, Lubing the tube, Making my girl happy, Making stomach pancakes, One handed baseball, Painting the ceiling, Pet the poodle, Petting the kitty, Playing naked air guitar, Pocket pool, Playing tug of war with the cyclops, Polishing the pearl, Pumping the keg, and the list goes on... 


Well the other day I took my weekly stroll of shame through the golden arches drive-through. I usually roll up to the squawk box in dark sunglasses and mumble my order hoping that neither the person at the first or second window with either broken dreams or pubescent pimply skin looks directly at me. God forbid they ever recognized me in public. I figure it is sort of like a stoner seeing their pot dealer in the mall. You just walk right by like you have never met. I then grab my food, throw money at the cashier and tear off like a bat out of hell. But this day was different. this day there was a bigger offer on the table. $1 Big Macs! I don't know what it is but every so often I get a Big Mac attack. The song immediately starts playing in my head. "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun..." Suddenly da, da, dat, da, daaaaa... I'm lovin' it!

This got me thinking about how much eating a Big Mac is like masturbation. There you are just hankering for it. You can't stop thinking about it and you just got to have it. Yeah it's a guilty pleasure and it's an ugly need but there is no need to overthink it. Excitement is in the air and things start happening setting the personal stage for a personal playground. You get yourself all set up and get nice and cozy. Even undo your pants in anticipation. Your all alone and no one is watching so feel free to be as jubilant about what's to come as
you wish. You have your napkins all set and away you go.

Just like eating McDonald's when I was a kid I could eat it all day and not feel a thing but now after a Quarter Pounder I need a nap and possibly a shower. Before you know it's all over and all you're left with is a pile of dirty napkins and shame as you sit there covered in special sauce... Till the next time in a few short hours! 




Cheers!
And now I'm an outlaw in Alabama...


Adam & Eve 300x250

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Hey Big Spender

A few days ago I was behind the bar as I usually can be found. A guy comes up with a couple of ladies beside him. He's a young cat and obviously trying to impress the women so he steps to me like he's got this. Seeing this I give him respect. I know what he is up against and weather he is trying to seal the deal on a 3-some or win over the friend of the girl he is really trying to handle I want to help the young buck get it done.

So I step over to him and show him love immediately with a quick handshake and eye contact that says "my man I got your back here." So he starts his order and already I can see he is sweating it. Like a 4 way intersection missing on Google maps he's got no direction. He wants to order for the ladies but without a clue what they want/ like and even worse not sure what he wants either. As you know if you have read a few of my posts there is nothing worse than a dude that doesn't know how to drink like a man, but I am willing to let it slide because my man has some stress upon him that he wouldn't normally be sweating. So I try taking a bit of the stress away and allow him the time to fumble for his wallet and ask the ladies what they like and what they don't like. I'll make them something special and make my new buddy a hero. And we all know that the hero gets the dame or dames... in the end.

A couple of fruity rum concoctions for the ladies and he now has his order and he goes for the Grateful Dead. First of all my friend you're not laying in a hammock. Second getting lit up on a drink sporting a combination of 5 liquors is not going to keep you strong for future end of the evening games. Finally you are going to be now seen holding a great big bright purple cocktail. My man it is time to get your cocktail game together. So I check him real quick and tell him we don't serve those. However we do have some great beers on tap and I make a few real nice whiskey cocktails just be sure to only have a couple because again I am trying to be his wingman here and keep my new friend ready for action. Also a little known fact that the smell of whiskey is a mild aphrodisiac. Something about the sweet mixed with smoky flavor on fresh breath can loosen a few screws I am told.
Grateful Dead
In a pint glass filled with ice
.05 oz. - Vodka
.05 oz. - Gin
.05 oz. - Rum
.05 oz. - Triple Sec
Fill the glass with Sour mix
Top with Chambord (Raspberry liqueur)
Jerry Garcia liked "Long Island Iced Tea" but was not a fan of tequila and liked raspberry.
Add a second top of Blue Caruso to make a "Tie Die"
Now this is where my boy needs to look like a boss. I helped you out with getting the ladies to giggle a bit and even made them both a little something special that will hopefully let down their force-fields a bit and with every sip make this dude look like Prince Charming. So long as he doesn't talk too much and smiles a lot he might just find himself swimming in a bed full of naked by the end of the night. For that I am wishing him well. Now all he has is one job and I will give him a over the top "thank you that is very generous" line and show him some love in front of his Y chromosome friends. The total is $13.50.
Dude plops down $14 and tells me to keep the change... Wrong answer! You were just so close to the promise land dude. But now I have to expose you. You have forced my hand and it is not going to be pretty. Now I understand being a Baller on a budget. Same reason I will never "make it rain in da club." There will never be a time when I am carrying that many singles and unless there is a credit card swipe under the strippers G-string I can't use my ATM card. Besides that I don't think you are a true professional unless you can perform while little silver Thomas Jefferson's (nickels) are bouncing off your chin. That is called making it hail! However you give me a solid personalized naked giggly dance and you can bet I am going to reach for a $5 or a $10 spot for your time and effort.
So this mother fucker is going to hit me off with a .50 tip and think he's going to strut out. Naa Playa sorry but this evening just got cloudy and you're about to get pissed on. So here is the conversation:
Me: Alright the total is $13.50.

Dude: (pulls out $14) Keep the change.

Me: (shocked at first and now a case of the red ass and very loud so the whole bar can hear me) Oh my God in Heaven! A whole .50 cent tip! Holy shit! I am a 3rd world country millionaire now! Oh my Lord it is the day I have always dreamed of!

Dude: (no words just stands there and takes it while the 2 girls start laughing.)

Me: My man, Thank you so much for your generosity. I mean I saw you had a few dollar bills in that pocket right there but those must be going to feed the starving children right?!!

Dude: (clearly embarrassed.)

Me: I can finally live all my hopes and dreams. My children will be able to eat from the food I provide since you have bestowed this bounty upon me!

Dude: uhhhhhmmm....

Girls: (to the dude) You only gave him .50 cents? Are you serious?!

Dude: I didn't know, I forgot...

Girls: (looking completely disgusted) We're sorry! (They start reaching for their purses to tip for him.)

Me: No, no, no ladies! Here I was hoping today would be my lucky day and some wealthy businessman would come into my life like that man did for Julia Roberts in Pretty woman. But I never thought in a million years that it would actually happen to me! .50 whole cents! That is 50 pennies! God bless you sir!

Dude: (Pulls out his wallet and just starts apologizing while ripping off singles.) I'm soooo sorry.

Me: Thank you and have a great night! (big smile)

Rude? Yup! Over the top? Maybe. Funny? You bet your ass!!!

Cheers!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Online Dating

I have been working tirelessly and diligent to make this site into the corporate Fortune 500 jugernault it can and will be! (Please stifle your laughter till the end.) The latest of these is Match.com or as I like to call it and any other dating website "The land of misfit children." There are tons out there to choose from now to. So all depending on the sort of special someone you are looking to add to your life I am certain there is a site for you.

Match.com is the #1 rated site according to 100bestdatingsites.com. But really there are 100+ sites out there. So who really knows what is the best. What is the criteria for judging here. What makes a site the best site? I am pretty sure that when Vice President Al Gore created the internet his hopes for the future were porn and dating at your fingertips because these are the two largest industies to be found on the world wide web today.

Side note: Did you know you no longer have to put the "www." before your internet address you are going to? Just like you no longer have to dial the number 1 before the phone number if calling from a cell phone. When did this all happen? One day a co-worker told me to check out a website and when I started typing www. they all started to giggle. Ha ha ha Charles is so old he still uses the www! Why was I not in the loop? A lot of embarrassment could have been saved that day. It wasn't like I was looking for the crank to start up my car or anything but seriously I couldn't have felt more like Methusela than I did that day. There should have been a memo sent out or a news bulletin like the ones they run at the bottom of the screen. This leads me to worry what if something bigger comes along and I am not in the know? Something "Shit is going to be falling from the sky so be sure not to leave your house without a helmet!" There I would be all fat, dumb and happy just walking around without a helmet... I really should start paying closer attention.

Going to these sites is sort of like antiquing. You go with the intention of finding a gem. A diamond in the rough that no one has yet to discover. Altough keep in mind no matter how great they seem, how sexy they are, how brilliant they may be... Someone somewhere is sick of their crap! So you go to that antique shop in hopes of blowing the dust off some great treasure when in fact you just end up wading through other peoples trash. Think of all the stuff that can't be sold at auction or donated to charity and there you have it. The odds and ends of the dating underworld just waiting to be swept up in love. Just like that antique shop all the could be treasures are either missing something, have a giant crack in them or even worse smell funny! It is as if the owners of these sites are saying "here take this one home. Sure it has a big head and funny ears and farts in it's sleep, but it likes to cuddle and won't pee on the rug. I would bring them all home but I have a dog."

List of some of the more niche dating/personals sites out there:
(Be afraid! Be very, very afraid of some of these!...)
AdultFriendFinder - These are booty calls waiting to happen. A step up from Craigslist.
PerfectMatch - Match.com with more Wonderluk type personality evaluations.
Zoosk - indeed or expedia of the dating world. They combine all the profiles from all the dating sites.
MatchMaker - Get set up on a date. Sort of like being set up by a virtual mom. 
Lava Life - Their commercials look like you are calling a 900 number sex chat line.
Cams.com - The fastest way to answer "what are you wearing?" It is never what you hope for.
Anastasia Date - Where American men go to find Russian mail order brides
Out Personals - Gay dating
Alt.com - Want a spanking? Here is a place to find one. Whips and chains excite this group.
Christian Mingle - By the Lords devine intervention it will bring you the perfect match. Amen!
Ashley Madison - Married people hooking up.

Black Singles - For people of color is what their marketing material says.
Sugar Daddies - If you are looking for that old guy with a fat wallet and a foot in the grave
JDate - Oy Vey why can't you meet someone nice already? You know the Wienstien girl married a doctor! 
Senior People Meet - First they just have to remember where they put the darn computer...
Trek Passion - Set your phasers for "Love."
Darwin Dating - Only the beautiful people are allowed on this site. Who is the judge here?
Farmers Only - Redneck lovin' Yeeehaww! Most common opening message: "You sure got a purty mouth! Reminds me of my momma.
Meet-an-inmate - Gives you the opportunity to become pen pals with a lonely inmate of your choice. 
Tall Love - Meet people of height


STD Match - Infected people need love too.
POZ Match - HIV Positive relationships. For those who don't want a long term commitment.
Cancer Match - For those with Cancer.
Deaf Passion - For those who never want to have to say "I love you."
No Longer Lonely - For people with mental illness. Meet a nice bi-polar girl and have a 3-some. 
Perscription 4 Love - For people with a wide array of illnesses. 
Sea Captain Date - If you don't like her make her walk the plank!
420 Dating - Where everyone is groovy man. Legalize it!
The Right Stuff Dating - For the graduates of the Ivy League Schools. Is that a ruler in your pocket? Yup!
Pounced.org - For those really really really into the furry 4- legged creatures .
Geek 2 Geek - If you LOVE Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica and all things geeky, this is the place for you. 
Purrsonals - Think of Dr. Evil with Mr. Bigglesworth here. You really have to love your cat. PS: your cat hates you. 

Also all of the children in the land have their very own window where they can be on display. The photos they use to present themselves are suppose to be a brilliant representation of who they are. Along with the pictures are a few paragraphs about them, their hopes and dreams and the signifigant other they wish to complete them as a perfect being.

Now I realize I am far from the worlds greatest catch. I too belong on the bargain shelf in the super market. You know the one set way back where no one can see it right away. Things like seaweed flavored soda and the pork jello. We all have an opinion of ourselves and who who we deserve to belong with. Even a 2 on the hotness scale considers themself to be at least a 5. Ask the biggest train wreck you know where they think they land on that scale and I garantee it is nothing less than a 5. No one thinks they are that bad no matter how many teeth they are missing. Now allow me to say this, I too am a dented can. There should be a 50% sticker on me somewhere and maybe there is. I am just not that flexible and I refuse to go looking for it. I prefer to just remain oblivious. And I still think I'm somewhere between a 5 and a 7.

That is what these dating sites will do to you though they will tinker with your emotions and prey on your insecurities. You may feel good about yourself one day having a great hair day or maybe you are wearing your lucky underwear or maybe you woke up able to wear your skinny jeans without having to get out the vise grips and Crisco. Whatever it is that is making you feel spectacular and lucky is going on for you and then you take a stoll over the dating website to see someone mildly attractive and you think, "they are going to see this new selfie I am about to post of me in the bathroom and want to date me for sure." You then conjure up your massive command of the english language and come up with a witty subject and humorus introduction that is for sure going to get your foot in the door. You are already seeing a bright dating future with this adonis of a human being and the kids you will have will be all the envy of the public. You picture it as Brad and Angelina, Oprah and Steadmond and You and this future spouse. Everything is about to be coming up roses. Then you hit send on your message in a bottle. And now you wait.... And wait... and wait... A day goes by, 3 days and now a week, finally look to see if they got the message or even better read it. They have and still no response another day, 3 days and then a week and still no response. Are you serious! You now find yourself on the corner of Depression and Dispare.

So my newest advertiser is Match.com They seem to know what they are doing and my hope is that all of you looking find what you are looking for in a special someone to share your life.


Cheers!

 
                                           

                                           

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Breakups Suck! Getting through it...

Every song on the radio reminds you of the certain someone that use to light up every dull corner of your head. Food loses it's taste and everything brings a tear to your eye. This week has proven to be just that for yours truly. The vulnerable feeling of casting yourself out there completely unedited and without a safety net is terrifying and then for it to all blow up in your face is just crushing. Never mind having my heart stepped on. This feels like having it tossed into the highway and run over by an 18-wheeler, burned on a stake and then given a quaint burial at sea right after being spit on. I realize this all sounds very melodramatic. This however is where I am in the process of grieving. Just like any loss there are steps to becoming whole again. Getting knocked down is a way of life and it happens everyday. How we move forward after we dust ourselves off, defines who we are.

There are steps to this. These steps are vital to getting back to being semi-whole again. Below are the steps as seen by Joey and Chandler on the show "Friends." They only have 3 steps. My process has a few more.

Chandler: You don’t have to stop having fun just because I’m here. Kathy didn’t cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)

Monica: Hey, Joey, I don’t think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it’s only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week?

Joey: Look, there’s nothing I can do for him right now, he’s still in his sweat pants, that’s still Phase One. Y'know? I’ll be back for Phase Two, I would never miss Phase Two.

Monica: What’s Phase Two?

Joey: Gettin’ drunk and going to a strip club.

Rachel: How does going to a strip club help him better?

Ross: Because there are naked ladies there.

Joey: Which helps him get to Phase Three, picturing yourself with other women.
 
In the book "Comfort for Bereavement" Granger Westburg's list has 10 steps. This would be considerably more than the aforementioned "Friends" episode. However the sitcom had just 30 minutes to address the issue instead of 150+ pages granted by Westinghouse to Granger. His steps where:
1) Shock
2) Emotion
3) Depressed / Lonely
4) Physical Symptoms
5) Panicky about our Preoccupation
6) Guilt
7) Anger / Resentment
8) Resist Returning
9) Hope
10) Struggle to Affirm Reality 
Now my list I think has a happy medium between the 2 Some of them are labeled the same and they also all depend upon who you are as a person. Some of these steps you might be able to cut through in a matter of minutes some might take days and weeks. None of this is easy. Let me repeat that last sentence NONE OF THIS IS OR WILL BE EASY! The important part is that you find your way to the other side of this love sick coin. Here is my list of steps. I hope it helps. In the words of Pat from Saturday Night Live... "Because you are good enough and smart enough and dog-gon-it people like you!"
Step 1: Shocking Brutal Truth
That feeling of what the hell just happened?! How the hell did this just happen?! I know things where tough and a lot was said but holy crap what is going on?

Step 2: No Way! (Disbelief)
This could not be it! This is not the end. This is the same notion that they will walk back in that door at any moment. There you will be waiting to forgive and forget with open arms. That whatever the issues are this love is bigger than the both of you and this is not the way the story is suppose to end. This is not the happy ending you both talked about and anything less than that just will not do.

Step 3: Baby Come Back! (Desperation)
This is where all the songs played on the radio are pointed at you. You suddenly feel the need to write a letter to be read on air to Delilah or Casey Kasem (God rest his soul.) Sweatpants an old t-shirt make their first appearance. Whatever you do stay away from Facebook now. Everything they say or do that you see posted at this point could leave you spiraling for days.
 


Meet Mr. Jack Daniels before you enter these next few stages... I know I rarely condone getting drunk however in this case tap the bottle and twist the cap. You are going to need a little liquid to swallow these pills to dull the pain.


Step 4: Pissed Off! (Anger)
Fuck HER! I gave all and that is how she is going to treat me? Fuck her! Fuck that! Fuck everything! For all I care she can go jump off a bridge! How dare she leave me! Yup! You  guessed it this is the Fuck it all, damn her to hell phase.
Step 5: The Blues (Depression and Isolation)
This is the point where you stop shaving anything. Personal hygiene  goes completely out the window. Showers are far few and in-between and why bother because no one loves you or will love you in that manor anyway. She was the only one that ever understood you and she left. The feeling here is that you are going to die alone and you might as well start purchasing cats now. Keep in mind the old blues song here that goes "If it weren't for the Blues it wouldn't have brought me to you."

Step 6: Rebound
Strippers and no-name hook ups! Let the rolling party begin. This is self preservation and heeling thinly veiled in self destruction. Be careful because misery loves company and the last thing you want to do is bring people into the dark cavernous vortex that is your wretched soul. At the same time have someone you trust on standby to tell you when enough is enough. Don't be surprised when you cry upon orgasm for the first 30 days. Feel free to use the tears as lubricant.

Step 7: Cleansing Breath (Acceptance)
I had a Drill Sargent years ago when he saw someone going through a tough time would say: "Son, I see you, but I can't reach you. You are sucking helium and floating on your own. Time to hike up the Huggies and drive on with a hard-on soldier." Words to live by. The bottom line here is that you are going to be alright. The Earth will keep spinning and you need to be a part of it in a positive capacity again.

I wish you all well and hopes this help someone. As for me I am going back to my bottle of Jack.

Cheers!












Wednesday, June 18, 2014

NORM!!!

From 1982 - 1993 Cheers was the show to watch. The bar where "everybody knows your name and always glad you came." With it's cast of characters. Sam (Ted Danson) was the dashing, womanizing owner and bartender.  Carla Maria Victoria Angelina Teresa Appollonian Luzupone Tortelli LeBec (Rhea Pearlman) was the forever tormented, impatient and down right rude waitress, Diane (Shelly Long) was the intellectual and straight laced yet sexy blond. Cliff Clavin (John Ratzenberger) was the know it all fountain of useless knowledge. We got to see the rise of Woody Harrelson playing a hick farm boy from Indiana that comes to Boston to make it big as a bartender in the big city. And Kelsey Grammer as Frasier Crane the pompous psychiatrist and later spin-off of the sitcom Frasier. We watched the passing of Nicholas Colasanto who was born not to far from the shows Boston streets in Providence, Rhode Island in real life and built into the shows script so we could all morn together the death of "Coach."
The nation watched religiously each week to see the next plot twist. The show was almost canceled in its first season only to bounce back to be among the highest rated shows of all time. The show was a cornerstone for NBC's "Must see TV" Thursday night line up. It even had a hand of adding Boston to the list of Hollywood locations to shoot future shows and movies. 

Although throughout all the highs and lows this show brought us to. Weather you where sad over the passing of Coach or frustrated with the sexual tension between Sam and Diane and later Sam and Rebecca (Kirstie Alley) or to hear the suedo wisdom of Cliff Clavin. The one thing we could count on was for Norm to walk walk in to the bar while everyone in it called his name "Norm!" and for George Wendt as Norm Peterson the accountant that never seemed to pay his tab but always brought the funny. 

As a kid I got to witness all 275 episodes, countless reunions and plenty of one liners. I never missed an episode. Come hell or high water I was planted in front of the television and NBC Thursday night at 9pm. Mostly to see "Norm!!" Here is a list of a few of his Norm-isms for you to remember and enjoy...  

"Beer, Norm?"

"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

"Beer, Normie?"
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young."

"Can I draw you a beer, Norm?"
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

"Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?"
"Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?"

"Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, and if she calls, I'm not here."

"How about a beer, Norm?"
"Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life."

"How about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

"How's a beer sound, Norm?"
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

"How's it going Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear!"

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's it hanging Norm?"
"Oh, little to the left."

"How's life in the fast lane?"
"Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp."

"How's life treating you?"
"It's not, Sammy, but you can!"

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."

"Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?"
"With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson."
"Alright, but stop me at one... make that one-thirty."

"Whaddya say, Norm?"
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."

"What do you say, Norm?"
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."

"What do you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Hiya, sailor. New in town?"

"What will you have, Norm?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."
"Oh, looks like beer, Norm."

"Call me Mister Lucky."

"What would you say to a beer, Normie?"
"Daddy wuvs you."

"What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?"
"Going down?"

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Gimme another beer."

"What'll it be, Normie?"
"Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"Another layer for the winter, Wood."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody."


"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer."

"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets other beer."

"What's up, Norm?"
"Corners of my mouth, Coach."

"What's up, Norm?"
"Everything that's supposed to be."

"What's up, Normie?"
"The temperature under my collar, Coach."

"What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?"
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."

"Whatcha up to Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."

"Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass."

How's the world treating you, Norm?
"Like I just ran over its dog."

What's shaking Mr. Peterson?
"What isn't?"

How's it going, Norm?
"Cut the small talk and get me a beer."
 What can I do for you Norm?
"Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer so how about a first one?"

How's life Norm?
"Ask a man whose got one."

What'll you have, Norm?
"Fame, fortune, and fast women."
How 'bout a beer?
"Even better."

What do you know there, Norm?
"How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?"

Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
"Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead."
How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
"Pretty nervous if I was in the room."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
"The warranty on my liver."

What can I do for you, Norm?
"Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam."

What's going on, Normie?
"My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver."
What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
"The question, Woody, why is it happening to me?"

How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
"Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
"See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers."

Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
"And I need a beer to wash him down."
How's life, Mr. Peterson?
"Oh, I'm waiting for the movie."

What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
"Elope with my wife."
[coming in from the rain] "Evening, everybody."

Norm!
Still pouring, Norm?
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

Whaddya say, Norm?
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."

[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama] Off-screen crowd: Norm!
Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
Cliff: He's got a life, you know.

Cheers!